Finding Me in the Madness

Movin' On Up

2010-12-30T22:05:00.001-05:00

Hey all, I've moved on over to Wordpress. Come check me out over there!

Fit Motherhood: Nearing Three Months

2010-12-23T12:02:00.003-05:00

I discovered something a little eerie. When the Joyful One was three months old, I weighed 180 lbs. Now the Radiant Babe is three months old (well, she will be in a week), I weigh 183 lbs. That's only interesting because I delivered this baby weighing three pounds more than I did number three.

What does that say to me? Well, mostly that, even though I'm not a fan of this (painfully) slow weight loss thing, I'm probably exactly where I'm supposed to be. And maybe, just maybe, it means that things will pick up like they did last time around.

This two-week period was tough for a great many reasons. Counseling is hard. It's almost Christmas. I haven't been to the gym as much as I'd like. My estranged father contacted me. In short, I'm all over the place emotionally. Oh, and I've been sick for about four days. Needless to say, it's been difficult.

That said, no more dawdling:
Current weight: 183.0 pounds
Change in pounds: -0.2 pounds
Bust 40"
Waist: 36.5"
Hips 46.5"

One very interesting thing is that I'm fitting into size 14 jeans, whereas last time it took me until the baby was five months old. Apparently I carry a great deal more muscle mass this time around. Yay!

Merry Christmas, everyone!

Fit Motherhood: A Recap

2010-12-20T08:43:00.003-05:00

I was working on a series on Fit Motherhood at GenXXL, following my weight loss journey after having sweet baby number four. Not sure what's going on with the site, but it doesn't appear to be functioning. I've been updating every two weeks and will be up for an update on Wednesday.

Before I dive in, here's a recap of the updates since the baby was born on September 29:

September 30
224 pounds September 29 (day of delivery)
203 pounds October 1 (2 days after delivery)
21% to goal weight
Chest: 43″
Waist: 41″
Hips: 49″

October 14
Current weight: 191.2 pounds
Percent to goal: 33%
Bust: 43″ (no change)
Waist: 39″ (2″ lost)
Hips: 48″ (2″ lost)

October 27
Current weight: 186.4 pounds
Change in pounds: -4.8
Percent to goal: 38%
Bust: 42″ (-1″)
Waist: 38.5″ (-1/2″)
Hips: 47.5″ (-1/2″)

November 10
Weight 189.4
Change: -1.2 lbs
Percent to goal: 34.6
Bust: 41" (-1")
Waist: 38" (-.5")
Hips: 47"

November 24
Current weight: 185.4 pounds
Change in pounds: -4.0 pounds
Bust: 40″ (-1″)
Waist: 37″ (-1“)
Hips: 47.0″

December 8
Current weight: 183.2 pounds
Change in pounds: -2.2 pounds
Bust 40"
Waist: 36.5" (-1/2")
Hips 46.5" (-1/2")

That's where we're starting from over here. I know for sure that I'll have gained from the last update when I post this week, and I'm frustrated.

I've eaten less than my recommended calorie levels by just a bit, but gained three pounds in the last week. I track all my calories and exercise, and the numbers say I should've lost about a pound and a half, being in a 5100 calorie deficit. Grr.

I Interrupt My Lack of Posting

2010-10-15T11:44:00.002-04:00

with a birth story!

I started this blog in 2008, just two weeks after the Joyful One was born. I can't believe that now I've got four kids, and now I'm sharing the birth story of Miss Radiance (name subject to change).

As a bit of history, my first three were all born after their due dates, so I was expecting an October baby. Clearly this baby had other plans, since her pregnancy was so different than all of my others.

I went to bed exhausted at 11 pm on my due date of 9/28. I couldn't sleep, which was nothing hew, but was a little bit over it by 12:45. I thought I heard a popping sound about 12:30, but couldn't tell what it was, so I didn't worry about it. However, a mere 15 minutes later, I heard a second pop and felt a big gush.

I told the Music Man that my water had broken. Unimpressed, he rolled over and went back to sleep. I got up to head to the bathroom and sat there for about 10 minutes waiting for it to stop.

When it decided to slow, I covered the bed with towels and tried to lay down again. A few minutes later I felt another big gush, soaked the bed again, and figured I may as well get up. I woke the Music Man again, and this time he was lucid enough to talk to me. :)

My water had never broken on its own before, even in late labor, so it was a surprise. I didn't feel many contractions yet, so I decided to go downstairs to sit on my ball for a while and hope to wait it out until morning.

The contractions started coming hard and fast, and I went back upstairs around 1:30. I told the Music Man that I needed to call my midwife and his parents, who were watching the big kids. Around 2:15 we'd made the calls and woke the kids.

My contractions were becoming more uncomfortable, and I was shocked at the amount of pain I was in. I'd never experienced back labor before, and man, that's no fun!

We got to the hospital after a detour to the gas station (low fuel light=poor planning on the MM's part!) around 3:15.

I deliver at a hospital that allows water birth, which is fantastic. However, it's small (six L&D rooms), and they were full. Two mamas had just given birth, and it takes a couple of hours to get them turned over for someone else.

I changed into the dreaded gown and sat on the monitors for about half an hour. I thought I was going to die near the end and told my nurse that I wasn't sure I was going to manage without drugs. I hadn't slept in more than 20 hours and that was seriously messing with my pain perception (or so I thought).

She checked me and I was a disappointing 3-4 cm dilated. With Joyful One, I was 7-8 before I got to the hospital, and these contractions felt worse than any I had with her, except those two from entering transition before pushing.

I opted to rest instead of walking because I was exhausted and knew I'd need energy to push. My nurse also gave me some juice to help with the exhaustion.

There was drama because they couldn't find my water birth certificate (you have to take a class to be eligible), and wanted to send MM home to get our copy. Did I mention that it's a 45-minute drive to our house? Yeah, he was livid and I was freaking out, but I wanted the water birth and told him to go, and quickly.

On the way out, he stopped a nurse to get the name of the person "in charge of the hospital" because he was so angry. Happens that the nurse he stopped was the one who taught the water birth class, and they had words. I don't know what they were, and I don't want to, but they got it worked out so that he didn't have to go get it.

Around 4:15 I got into a position I could handle, sitting criss-cross applesauce on the bed. I tried sitting on the ball, having MM apply counter pressure while on all fours, everything I could think of to manage the pain, but I was starting to flip out. Finally, I realized I needed to get quiet and allow the pain to do its job.

I sat in silence and let the pain wash over me. I have never experienced agony like that in my life, and seriously thought I might pass out a couple of times.

Around 5 am, my room was finally ready. I walked from triage to room six (all of 500 feet) and thought I was going to die. My nurse told me to go to the bathroom and she'd monitor me again to get a strip, then I could do whatever I needed to do. Well, that didn't exactly happen.

In the bathroom, I realized I couldn't even sit. I started "vocalizing" and my nurse called out, "No pushing in there!" I told her I wasn't and washed my hands, then walked out near the bed.

All of a sudden, everything changed. I vocalized louder, and MM knew I was pushing because I made the same tone last time. I called out my nurse's name because I couldn't reach the call button, and she came running. I steadied myself on the side of the bed, resting my hands on it, and she stood by my side.

When I told her I was pushing, all hell broke loose. About ten people were in the room in a flash, and I begged her to fill the tub. I couldn't see how I'd manage to push without getting in the tub.

In the meantime, they called my midwife from the doctor's sleep room and started filling the tub. Janet (my hero midwife) told them they didn't need to monitor me or check my cervix or even force me into the bed as they'd tried to do, because "this was my fourth baby and I knew when I needed to push."

So there I am, standing aside the bed, pushing spontaneously, with a ton of people filling the birthing tub, then abandoning it to try to fill the bathroom tub (!) in time for me to get in. I finally realized there wasn't time and knew I needed to rally and do this where I was.

Instead, she sat down on the floor with the chux pads, a bowl, scissors and clamps. And she waited. All the while my body was pushing and I was trying to catch my breath. In between making those vocal tones, I said a few swear words, which apparently lightened the mood. Everyone laughed when I let the first one fly, and I got some, um, colorful comments after the second one.

I felt the "ring of fire" for the first time with this birth, and got really serious about pushing then. I wanted that pain OVER, and NOW. I knew I'd gotten her head out, and gravity pulled her body out to follow. Upon seeing her (they passed her through my legs while we waited for the placenta), I realized she was tiny!

Long story (a bit) shorter, this little peanut was only 7 lbs, 15 oz and 19" long! Quite a change after my 9 lb, 6 oz baby #3! She was born at 5:44 am on September 29.

We got cleaned up, she spent some time under the warmer, and I got some serious fluids and a Motrin (yay for drugs)! I was in shock at how fast the birth went and wasn't dealing well with things. I was shaking and shivering and couldn't get control of my legs. They brought me some warmed blankets to help, but it took over an hour for me to regain composure.

We moved to recovery at 7 am where I nursed my little princess and ate a hearty breakfast. Our hospital time was short, because both the pediatrician and my midwife said I could be released 12 hours after birth. We were actually signed out by 5 pm, but didn't get out of there until around 6 pm.

We went home and awaited our older children with the in-laws. They brought the kids home around 7:30, stayed for half an hour to see the baby, then left our little family. We all went upstairs and piled into our bed and snuggled.

At 9, we sent the kids to bed while we watched the Reds game and slept more than 12 hours (with feedings, of course). It was a great first night for all of us, safe and comfortable and together as a family!

And that's how she was born, our cherished Radiant One, precious number four!

If I'm Being Honest...

2010-08-23T16:19:00.002-04:00

I can't wait to have this baby, and for purely selfish reasons. I hurt. My back hurts, my hips hurt, my pride hurts.

As with all of my other pregnancies, I've gained at least 50 lbs. I really thought that because I started at a healthy weight and maintained an exercise routine through most of this pregnancy, I wouldn't gain the same kind of weight. Apparently I thought wrong.

Now when I look in the mirror, all I can think is "That's not me." I'm not used to having all these chins, all this booty, all this arm flab.

I've got a plan, of course. In fact, I'll be blogging about it at least monthly at work. I imagine I'll also do a bit of what I did last time around on this blog with the weigh-ins and progress reports.

I'm looking forward to exercising again without feeling like I'm being split in half. Can't wait to lift weights without having contractions. SUPER geeked about returning to Pilates and kicking butt. I so miss early morning runs, when the sun has just crested the horizon and the children are still asleep. So much to look forward to.

Of course, this time I'll have a newborn, four children under age six, and homeschooling to contend with, but I'm sure I'll get back into shape. Might take a bit longer, but I'm also hoping to give myself more grace than I've managed in the past.

Can't wait!

We Survived the First Week!

2010-08-06T15:00:00.002-04:00

Well, we made it through the first week of homeschooling. The Princess was up at 7:00 Wednesday morning, "all set and ready for school" she said. Yesterday it was 6:30. Today she managed to sleep until almost 7:30 am, still an hour early for her.

As I've said before, we're using the Charlotte Mason method, although we haven't gotten any nature observation in this week. First, I'm eight months pregnant in Atlanta's August. Second, I don't do the outdoors much. I don't like heat, I don't like cold, I don't like bugs, I don't like birds. I don't like wind, I don't like my hair or makeup mussed. I am HIGHLY allergic to poison ivy, and that's reason enough for me to stay in until I have to venture into the wilderness.

The Music Man is the one who takes the children on shady hikes, points out the trees and birds, gently leads them over stepping stones in a shallow creek and the like. He will largely be responsible for implementing the science portion of this year's curriculum, as it's based on the Burgess Bird Book for Children. Did I mention I hate birds?

I also learned some things about my child. She struggles with handwriting and cutting a bit. These make perfect sense because I've never really worked with her on these skills.

She's got an AMAZING memory for detail. CM stresses narration, that is, her retelling a story to me that has been read to her. Princess' recall astounds me, honestly, especially given that most of our books have no pictures on the Kindle.

She understands poetry better than I've have guessed, which impresses me. We're going to have to work on sitting still, as she likes to move around while I'm reading. This wouldn't bother me too much, but I read in segments of less than 10 minutes. She's going to learn this skill, so we're working on it.

She loves math and can't wait to learn time and money. We're using Horizons Kindergarten book 1, and in three days I've allowed her to do 12 lessons.

She's extremely eager to please, and actually apologizes when she makes a mistake. We're working on that, too. I don't want her to be like me, always afraid to try things for fear of looking foolish.

Her favorite part of the day is the Enrichment Bucket. I put some flash cards for various subjects, some learning games, and sight word blocks in an old sucanat bucket, and after working hard all morning, she gets to choose one game to play. She looks forward to it each day, even telling me before we start in the morning what she'd like to do.

The Target dollar spot is a FANTASTIC place to get those flash cards. Yesterday I got addition, subtraction, and phonics levels one and two cards for the bucket. They also had math bingo. Music-in-law also got the Princess animals, shapes and colors, and alphabet cards for the bucket. It's super fun!

I'm also learning some things about me. I'm not at all patient about the handwriting issue. She writes some letters and numbers backwards, and when I correct her, she actually just changes hands with the pencil. How strange is that?! Funny thing is, when she changes hands she actually seems to get it right. I haven't figured out what that means about how her brain is wired.

I really enjoy learning these things with her, but my patience on the whole leaves something to be desired. It's a character flaw that I need remedied, so I'm hoping that teaching my girl (and the others, when it's time) will be abrasive enough to smooth away my rough places.

So that's week one! We're loving the Ambleside Online schedule, though I'm adding some things to meet the length of day requirement we have in Georgia. Can't wait for next week. Good thing they provide a great deal of enrichment reading!

Our Homeschool Year

2010-07-26T10:30:00.003-04:00

The Firecracker Princess is starting kindergarten next week. Next week! I can't believe that my oldest child is going to be in school! As I mentioned last time, we're homeschooling using the Charlotte Mason method.

For my part, I've been reading her Original Homeschooling Series, and have found it to be absolutely rich with wisdom. I'm only on book one, but I've already learned so much.

Since we're starting our homeschool adventure, I thought I'd document what we're using (you know, for posterity). Plus, I'll probably forget what worked and what didn't by the time the CCM is old enough for school if I don't write it down. Something about having four kids under six will do that to you. :)

Copywork:
alphabet semester 1, simple sentences semester 2

Math:
Horizons K workbooks 1 and 2, Grade 1 if we finish early

Phonics:
Teach Your Child To Read in 100 Easy Lessons

Christian Development:
Bible
Parables from Nature
Trial and Triumph

History:
An Island Story
Fifty Famous Stories Retold
Viking Tales

Geography:
Paddle to the Sea

Science:
Burgess Bird Book for Children
Handbook of Nature Study

Poetry:
A Child's Garden of Verses
Now We Are Six
When We Were Very Young

Literature:
Aesop's Fables
Beautiful Stories from Shakespeare
The Blue Fairy Book
Just So Stories

Fine Arts:
Folk songs first semester, hymns second semester
Three artists per term: Raphael, Sargent, and Monet, then Durer, Caravaggio, and ???

Enrichment:
King of the Golden River
Peter Pan
Pinocchio
The Velveteen Rabbit
The Red Fairy Book
Little House in the Big Woods.

T minus nine days and we start. Can't wait!

On Absence and Return

2010-07-14T11:27:00.006-04:00

OK, first I should apologize. Life has been crazy this year, and I'm just now getting my bearings. I'm almost seven months pregnant, started working from home in January, and have just been holding on and muddling through 2010.

It's a shame really, because I miss writing. I miss writing for myself, something which isn't related to my income. I've been working for a health and fitness blog called GenXXL, and have taken on increased responsibilities in the six months of my tenure.

It's a good gig, and I'm so thankful for the opportunity, but I do miss getting to talk about the kids, the pregnancy, the general meandering of life.

That said, here goes.

The Firecracker Princess starts school next month when the Music Man goes back to work. We're homeschooling this year, using the Charlotte Mason method. I bought a Kindle (and a super cute cover) because most of the books for this program are in the public domain (read: free). She's really excited to get started and begs to use her "school books" all the time.

The Monster is good, still just as sweet and cute as ever. He's clearly growing up, though, which is hard on a mama's heart.

The Joyful Babe is now two, and with another baby coming in the next couple of months, I may have to give her a new nickname. Sigh. They get big so fast!

Newest babe is girl #3 for us, so the poor Monster has some competition. He and daddy have been doing "manly things" this summer to up the testosterone quotient in our home!

As for me, I've maintained a minimum of activity, but apparently I just get fat every time I get pregnant. I still have 11-13 weeks left to go in this pregnancy, but I'm just 20 lbs less than when I delivered JB. Sigh. I can't lie, though, I'm excited to work it off after the baby comes. I'm hoping to do a half marathon at Disney World near the end of February.

If you're doing the math, I'm due end of September/early October and yes, I'll be pushing it to get in long-distance shape by then. It's a goal, we'll see if I reach it!

Thanks for catching up, I hope to be writing more!

New Post on P90X

2010-01-27T05:48:00.003-05:00

At GenXXL.com. Go check it out and let me know what you think!

http://genxxl.com/bodybuilding/workout/p90x-is-it-really-extreme/

Do You Walk Wildly?

2010-01-07T13:42:00.004-05:00

Because if so, and you don't read Sara's blog, you're missing out. Bigtime. Sara, her husband and two daughters live their dreams, lives that most of us couldn't imagine. They care about experiences over stuff. They love Jesus. What's more to say?

Sara's giving away a $50 gift certificate from Lisa Leonard Designs.

My favorite piece is the "banner" necklace because "His banner over me is love".
Wanna enter? You gotta do it fast, by tomorrow at noon CST, to be exact. Get thee to the bloggery! Go, now!

This Morning's Thoughts

2009-12-19T06:46:00.000-05:00

Something I'm chewing on today...

I have a hunch that we tend to confuse the “vocation” of one’ life with the “occupations” of one’s life. Vocation has to do with responding, as best we know how — some days pretty well and some days pretty poorly — to the prodding, urging, nudging, whispers which emerge from the Voice in the shrubs that burn in one's life. “Occupations” are how one lives out the whispers of a Voice, the nudging of a shadow. --Unknown

On the Second Weigh of Christmas

2009-12-18T06:46:00.002-05:00

Um, wow. Christmas is a week away. Wow.

I'm actually not going to post my weight this week. Not because I'm ashamed of it (though it's the highest number I've seen in well over a year), but because I can't dwell on it. Suffice it to say that I've gained 25 lbs since May. Yeah.

And frankly, I sorta don't care. I mean, I CARE, but 2009 has been a really difficult year. Lost two jobs, lost a baby, have dealt with some amazingly hard stuff in my heart, went on my first mission trip, etc. My injuries have made exercising so much practically impossible, and as such I've packed on some weight. I'm just in a really uncertain place in most areas of my life. God is moving, of this much I am sure, and so I just trust that all things will work together for good.

In any case, how have YOU been doing? What are you most looking forward to with regard to Christmas? Can't wait to hear!

I Just Don't Feel Like Blogging

2009-12-17T08:35:00.002-05:00

So I know I've let a few friends down on the whole weight loss blog thing, sorry to you all. I'll actually post it tomorrow, for real. I can say that because I'm actually going to do most of it when I finish this post. :)

My heart hurts because I miss Russia. I haven't been able to put my finger on it, but I think I finally realized something. My heart felt at home there. The only other place I've had that feeling was in Chicago, ten years ago. I want to be in Russia because it feels like home. How crazy is that?!

I didn't know that 10 days in another country would result in my life looking different on this side of the globe. I didn't know that I'd have this heavy ache when I came back. I didn't know that I'd need to rely on the Lord so desperately (although this is a good thing). I just didn't know.

I'm better than I was in the sense that I've started to reintegrate. I'm going to the gym sometimes, cooking for my family again, and getting more involved in church. I know that I'm changed in a way that's forever, and I'm glad for it. It's just painful.

Christmas is 8 days away, and I've got to get ready. I don't even have our tree up! Perhaps tomorrow night when we're home as a family I'll be able to get moving on it. I'm working on a pretty large project that has to be completed by 5 pm on Christmas Eve, so that's taking a good deal of my time. I've at least purchased a few gifts, and hope they get here prior to 12/24 so I don't have to stay up all night wrapping stuff.

I think that's all. Sorry for the whining. Weight loss blog tomorrow!

So, Sigh.

2009-12-04T09:05:00.003-05:00

Y'all, my heart just hurts. There's this "divergence" happening at my church. And here's the hard part: the people leaving are the people most precious to us. The people who welcomed us into their home as non-believers. Who walked with us, counseled us, loved our children . The people who have poured into us, shaped and changed our faith, helped us grow in Christ.

And we're not going with them.

Yeah, I know. I don't understand it either. The Lord has spoken clearly to both the Music Man and myself that we are to stay where we are. This is so painful. I will, of course, choose obedience, and am just begging God to change my heart and help me walk this out joyfully.

But the real reason for my post is this: I feel like I was obedient is telling our small group leaders that we aren't free to go with them right now, but there's still this part of me is trying to manipulate God. I thought, "Well, if we're obedient in this, maybe He'll give it back. Maybe we'll get to leave after all". Lord, forgive me for that! Forgive me for coming to you in my flesh yet again. Purify the desires of my heart, help me lay down what I want in my flesh for Your highest purpose for my life. Sigh. Amen.

Walking it out each day isn't always fun, and it's almost never easy. But I DO want obedience, whatever the cost. Here's to our new adventure in church life!

Wait, What?

2009-12-04T08:57:00.002-05:00

Did I do the math wrong when we first started? I'm looking at the calendar and realizing that we only have 4 weeks until Christmas day. Is it because I was out of the country and ElleBee couldn't update? Augh. Anyhow, my brain is all muddled and I can't focus, so we'll just say that we have today plus three more weighs.

So, how'd we do? I'm shocked to say that after the immense amounts of meat and fat I ate in Russia, I lost quite a bit of weight. I was up to 154.8 before I left, and today I was 148.2. Still that's only 1.8 lbs down from my original goal, but at least I have a number to report!

I think it's clear that I'm not even going to get close to my 20 lb. goal, but I'm ok with that. After all, life gets busy, things happen, and I'm just glad that I'm not gaining during the holiday season!

So post your triumphs and struggles, and your weight so we can get the leader board reorganized!

heather: lost 1.8, 9% of my goal achieved.

I'm Home!

2009-12-03T07:12:00.003-05:00

I will probably spend more time posting about the trip, but I wanted to let you all know that I got home Tuesday night. The trip was amazing. God did some incredible things. Some quick highlights:

*I got to lead two women to Christ! I'd never had the privilege before, and it was so amazing!!
*Some of the Russians didn't believe that I was American, they said I "look Russian". *Smile*
*I did someone's makeup on the trip, and when she looked in the mirror she said, "I never knew I was so beautiful". I mean come ON. Sob!!
*I got to witness the healing of a church. I know it sounds dramatic, but I really believe that God allowed me to pray for healing in a relationship, and it's opened the floodgate in this church.
*I understood SO MUCH Russian! There's no reason for that, apart from the spirit of God, as I only studied seriously for 4 months, at most an hour a day.

Things I don't miss about Russia:
*The bathrooms. Enough said.
*The hospital, as it just broke my heart.
*The Perm airport!
*The fact that it gets dark at 4:30 in winter.

Things I miss about Russia:
*Beef and prunes. That's one delicious dish.
*The sharing of everything in their lack.
*The genuine desire to communicate, even with our limited common ground in language.
*The beautiful people I met.

I'll work on getting pictures up later, but for now I'm still a bit tired. Hopefully by Monday!

Dis With The Kids Redux Part 2

2009-12-01T07:48:00.004-05:00

MK was up first (and it was open from 9-midnight) so I figured we'd be able to do just about everything and not be running like crazy people. We got there about half an hour before rope drop and we were able to see the opening show. The best part for me was seeing the Mayor open the park (which I've never seen before) instead of the lady that normally does it.

Like smart people we hit Fantasyland first and we were able to get onto everything in pretty short order...even Dumbo (which always that crazy line.)

We were able to get the FP on Cindy's horse and we got a good shot of the Russian scene in "It's a Small World".

We discovered that a kid can't ride alone unless they are 7 and meet this mysterious height marker that I've never seen before (and this is 6th time I've been to WDW since last October...you'd think I would have noticed.) Well, we found a lovely attractions manager who rode BTMR with the FP and another who rode the Barnstormer with each kid individually....he even got the FP up front!!!

The TTA has been fixed along with Space Mountain and we were able to brave the EXTREMELY long line for the Blue Line to ride the "chill out ride" as the kid's call it. They've fixed the effects when you go through Space Mountain so you can see much better. Actually, the first time we went through Space Mountain the ride was down and the lights were off so we got a clear view of what the ride actually looks like. Very cool stuff.

We got to see the Princesses in the tent in Toontown Fair with almost no wait at all (the wait for the Fairies was 100 minutes!!! AAHHHHH!) They didn't have the Belle that loved on the CCM the last time we were there, but that's ok because the kids still loved it.

Cosmic Ray's for lunch is so smart because you get the best value in the park for your CounterService credits on the dining plan. I had the half-rotisserie chicken and it was INCREDIBLE. Beans and potatoes to go with it! YUM!!! The kids had chicken and a chicken salad...I mean, how do you beat that!?

A ride on Buzz Lightyear later (no new high score, but the kids had fun so who cares...I got 988,000 the last time were there) and then over to the Carousel of Progress. The FP kept asking when we could go ride it so she was SO excited to go on it. We actually went back to it right before we left the park and the littls fell asleep but my FP watched the whole thing. I don't think it's her favorite ride, but I know she loves it (and she says she loves the song and sang it the whole trip after we rode it the first time.)

Pink and green Dole Whips marked the holiday season....I mean, how can you resist green pineapple flavored ice cream in yellow pineapple juice? Right?

We were on our way to ride the WDW Railroad (which I've never done and neither have the kids) but we ran into Woody and Jesse so we waited for them first...then headed out to the railroad.

On the train a guy was on his blackberry checking the Auburn/Alabama game with the stroller folded in his lap, his kid sitting next to him and his wife rolling her eyes. I thought it only fair to defend him (a little) and I said "Ma'am, we don't know why we care, but we do." She smiled and then rolled her eyes at him again as he updated all the guys on the train about the score. After I told him I write a sports column and it would be nice to know the score he got all excited and then proceeded to read out all the plays verbatim until the game was over (and his family got off the train at Main Street.)

We headed back into Adventureland to catch the Jungle Cruise (the CCM's favorite ride) and then headed past the Swiss Family Treehouse. So, this is where it gets hairy. We're walking up this thing and there is no lighting and it's dark. You figure that the park would close something if it was too dark to be on it and that treehouse from hell is WAY too dark to go on after dusk. Well, I tripped while holding the JB, my Dad's camera hit the ground, the baby hit the ground too (but she wasn't hurt...Thank GOD!) and the camera was broken. I have a rug burn on my knee that I got through my jeans, two scrapes on my right hand (one that's bad enough that a student asked me yesterday..."What did you do to your hand?") and this funny abrasion on my side that hurt me the rest of the trip everytime I picked up the JB and held her on my hip. Yeah, not fun. Fortunately, there's a claims department at WDW and I think they're going to deal with all of this.

The managers that helped us were really nice. They called ahead to the Diamond Horseshoe because we were going to be late for our dinner reservation and one of them entertained the kids while I dealt with all the mess.

So, then off to dinner with a sore knee...

Diamond Horseshoe is a gorgeous room...they've got this piano roll in the back that played Christmas music and this lovely balcony level that was decorated in only garland because the restaurant is red and white to begin with.

A slow night filled with some more Buzz Lightyear rides (and no high scores, but lots of fun for the kids) some pictures in the space ranger jail after the ride and another ride on the Carousel of Progress and we were off.

All in all it was a great say because we weren't running around like mad people and we just did stuff. We rode Buzz like 5 times, the TTA twice, did EVERYTHING in Fantasyland without a problem, hit the Barnstormer, saw the Princesses, saw the Carousel of Progress twice, saw some fireworks, saw SpectroMagic twice (both times on the way to the front of the park) and we got to see some characters. Not bad for Dad with the 3 babies.

Oh, and we rode the Monorail both ways and they still don't allow people up front (you can't blame them, but you have to ask.)

Crash in the bed and watch the kiddos pass out before you've even pulled the blankets up and DHS tomorrow!

That's day one for you...

The Dis With The Kids Redux Part 1

2009-12-01T06:50:00.010-05:00

Music Man here one more time to review the crazy trip to the dis with our 3 babies...by myself. I think I might have mentioned this before, but I wasn't at all afraid to take them all to WDW by myself...it sounded like a fun idea after I warmed up to it. (Didn't want to run all the way down there and not take Heather.) Anyways, now we've been back for about 30 hours and I think I can process and put up some fun pics from the trip. Here goes nothing:

We had turkey day at my Parent's house with mostly food that I cooked the day before (yay for planning ahead!) and then we took off for the Dis about 2 because the kids were getting antsy about their "surprise" and they were driving us nuts being couped up inside my Parent's house. So, we took off.

Of course, Thanksgiving Day there is NO traffic!

The kids passed out...

Then they woke up two hours later and spent half an hour trying to figure out what their "surprise" was. Finally, the FP says..."Is our surprise Disney World?"

"Why yes, yes it is!"

We went to check in at All Star Music and they didn't have any of the room requests we needed so they sent us over to All Star Sports and gave us a newly renovated room. Not bad for just wanting a 1st floor room!

Then we snuggled up and went to sleep. The kids were busted and they just fell out. I look over there and they're snoring.

Next, MK and a broken camera...

Sixth Weigh Recap, Seventh Weigh and Living Without Internet

2009-11-29T20:17:00.003-05:00

Ohmygranny, girls! I've been "offline" for OVER A WEEK! Other than not being able to update here, I have to wonder if God wasn't giving me a clue that I should spend a little more time "unplugged"!

Long story short, we went to my folks house for Thanksgiving and the Diva Husband installed new bamboo floors in the living room hall and office.

The office. Where the computers live.

When I told Heather that I'd be happy to do the updates, I completely forgot that my folks would be offline.

Sigh.

And yes, our lovely little activity got spammed. Ah well, that's what the delete button is for! :)

Ah, so here's the recap from the Sixth Weigh. We had some great results!

Kimberly & Jill--Stayed the same
Jennifer--Lost 1.4 lbs, at 10% of goal
Beth--Lost 2.2 lbs, at 11% of goal
ElleBee--Lost 2 lbs, up to 17.5.% of goal

And the winner (or loser, as the case may be!) for the second week running...
Wendy--Lost 1 lb, up to 25% of goal

Great job, ladies! If you weighed on "Black Friday", be sure to comment and I'll get a recap post up tomorrow! :)

Cheers!

The Music Man Guest Blogs an Impromptu Trip to WDW

2009-11-25T22:18:00.002-05:00

Greetings!

Music Man here filling in for my wife while she's in Russia. She suggested (then twisted my arm, then I realized how much fun it would be) that I take the kids to Disney World while she's gone. Well, tomorrow we're going over to Grandma and Grandpa's for Thanksgiving lunch (much of which I cooked) and then take off for Florida. Of course, the kids have no idea, but it wouldn't be any fun if they did. We'll take off tomorrow and get there as fast as we can, get checked in and hit MK Friday. The park's open 9-midnight so I don't think we'll have a problem getting everything in (and that includes Dole Whips and a 999,999 on Buzz.)

I'm not sure where I'll start or how I'll chronicle our "Quantum Boogaloo" at the Dis but I'll go ahead and start with the basics.

We're hitting MK on Friday, DHS on Saturday and Epcot on Sunday before we come home. We're staying at All-Star Music and I think the kids will be so geeked (besides, Music is my favorite All-Star Resort.)

Almost time for bed, but you get the gist now. More chronicles to come as we make our way down to Orlando and then through the World.

Peace out.

On The Sixth Weigh of Christmas

2009-11-20T07:44:00.000-05:00

Well, today is the day! Six weeks from today is Christmas, who can believe THAT?! It's made a bit more difficult by the fact that it's in the mid 60s-low 70s here in the Atlanta area these days. :)

So how did you do last week? Thursday is Thanksgiving. Do you have a strategy? I myself will be in Russia, so I'll miss out on the green beans, stuffing, mashers, cheese tray (!!!) and of course my beloved cranberry salad. I'm not sure what we'll be eating, but I'm relatively confident it will contain both mayonnaise (blech) and cabbage (yum). Obviously I won't be able to weigh in next week, so ElleBee will take care of that and the recap for me while I'm gone.

Let us know what your Thanksgiving plan is, as well as how you did! Remember, to calculate your percentage to your goal, you'll divide the number of pounds you've lost to date in the challenge bythe number of pounds you set as your goal.

Mine will look like this:
This week: lost 1
To date: lost 1
Percent to goal: 5%

That will make it easy for ElleBee to make the leader board! Happy Thanksgiving, and I can't wait to see how you did when I get back Dec 2!!

Weight Loss Challenge Leader Board

2009-11-17T08:46:00.003-05:00

Well girls, I haven't heard from everyone, but it's time to post this week's leader board. We had three people lose this week, and they are:

Jill, at 5.5% of her final goal.
ElleBee, at 7.5% of her final goal.
And Wendy, at a whopping TWENTY PERCENT of her final goal!

Way to go girls. Do you have any tips to share, things that worked well for you? We'd all love to hear about it!

Please remember to post on Friday!

On The Seventh Weigh of Christmas

2009-11-13T08:15:00.004-05:00

Ok ladies, today is the first weigh in! How did you do this week? Did you have any special challenges?

For myself, I honestly do not know what happened. I kept my calories under control and didn't skip any workouts, but GAINED 1.8 lbs. I would imagine that part of it is the stress of leaving for Russia in 7 days, but I don't believe that would account for almost two pounds. There's one other remote possibility, but I won't be able to confirm or deny that until I get back from Russia. :)

My struggle this week was not having a well-stocked pantry. I'm almost out of rice, lentils, and most beans. I try to keep several easy meals on hand; eggs, turkey sausage, pasta and sauce, and boxed organic soup. We had all of those this week, but when the pantry is slim, I feel deprived. This is more a mental thing than physical, since I know cognitively that we have more than enough. It feeds into some childhood stuff for me, a sense of lack, that I battle today.

Anyhow, so there you have it. Since I gained, I'm -9% to my goal. Yick. I'll post next Friday for the weigh-in, and guest blogger ElleBee will post the recaps for my while I'm gone!

ETA: Please be sure to post your percentage to your goal so I can do a ranking!

Nine More Days

2009-11-11T15:59:00.002-05:00

I'm leaving the country for the first time in nine days. Nine. We're into single digits. Wow. Friday night we had this special thing at church, and afterward I was talking to my friend Susan. I was lamenting that the theme of the retreat we're doing is sanctification, and that I felt like I didn't have a working definition. I mean, I know what sanctification IS, but the process, the definition, the whole thing is a little muddy to me. Then yesterday I woke up for my quiet time, and God just started pouring this poem out. I know it's not well written, but honestly, I don't feel like I wrote it. Here goes:

Sanctification

A perfect gem, a finished work
My Father cuts himself
From rough-hewn rock, carved and smoothed
Brings forth from nothing, wealth

His keen eye and steady hand I trust
To hold in tender vice
Lopping off the needless filth
I've gathered in this life

The first cuts ache, for they are large
Hints of beauty poking through
From dirty rock to precious gem
Joys of change, bold and new

Still I'm dull and ask my Jeweler
Rough places yet to smooth
Darkness held so dear I give,
There's nothing He can't use.

Throwing back His head, He laughs with joy
At my aching, pleading need
To be more like Him and less like me
Ever faithful, He gives heed.

He sets to work, sharp chisel gleams
Keen focus in His eyes
"More you want", He gently says
His sweet presence is my prize

The pain intense, relentless work
It seems too much to bear
But my Master labors patiently
And finding value, lingers there

I survey His work when He steps back
And astonished, hang my head
"Such work, such pain, for what?", I ask
"One new facet?", sick with dread

Despairing of the days to come
As refining never ends,
He comes and gently lifts my head
My downcast soul to mend

"That facet I did not make for you,
That facet is for them
So they see hints and glints of Me,
My precious, spotless gem."

"My work is slow, of focused pace
To build your fragile trust
You withstand great pressure tenderly
Never cracked and left to dust"

"I will work what you allow
Nothing less and nothing more
My work is your great offering
It's what your heart beats for"

"Submit time and again to this
Unabated is the change
I ask of you, my darling one
Familiar, yet still strange "

"The reward is great, for one day soon
You'll catch a glimpse and start
The gem I've polished, raised from the dead
Is your priceless ruby heart."

Finally, A Beauty Review!

2009-11-09T05:48:00.003-05:00

I haven't done a beauty post in quite a while, and I wanted to review two products that I picked up at Sephora last week. The first I'll do today, and it's the Deluxe Fragrance Sampler for Her. This is a really cool concept. There are 12 sample fragrance vials with an atomizer in the box, and the cost is $50. You try the samples, pick your favorite, and take the enclosed certificate back to the store to redeem for your favorite of the bunch. It was such fun to pull out the booklet, read about each one, and just try things out. Of course, this is made more interesting when your husband used to sell fragrance and has an opinion that is usually pretty different than your own. :)

First up, Aquolina Pink sugar. This is completely delightful. You can smell the caramel and marshmallow, and it just felt so homey and comforting. The price point is completely agreeable, too. Overall, it was my second favorite of the group!

Next, Donna Karen's Cashmere Mist. OK, I can't stand this fragrance or anything about it. The bottle looks like a drugstore thing to me. It smells too heavy and floral for my taste, and I rank it tenth of 12.

On to Juicy Couture's Viva La Juicy. Aside from the fact that all I can picture from this brand is 20-year-olds carrying LV Speedy bags with their Ugg(ly) boots and words on their butts, this actually smells pretty nice. It's a relatively generic fragrance, but ok. Fell squarely in the middle of my list.

Prada Infusion D'Iris is a scent I don't understand. The Music Man loves it and, for the life of me, I just can't figure out the attraction. Maybe he just likes florals more than I do, because it smells like old ladies and moth balls to me. Could just be how it reacts to my chemistry. Shrug. It ranks eleventh for me.

Next up, - Emilio Pucci Vivara Variazioni Acqua 330. Now, I like Pucci, and this smells just like their clothes. Breezy, fresh, cool. Also like their clothes, this fragrance is completely unlike me. Although I liked it, it definitely has a water/soapy smell to it which gives me a headache. If you like those sorts of fragrances, it's pretty amazing! Tenth over here, but only due to personal preferences.

Kenzo Flower By Kenzo is a head scratcher for me. Like why is there a poppy on the bottle when there isn't a poppy note in it? Hmm. I also don't get the attraction here. It has a powdery quality that I don't love (but then again, I also hated Baby Soft back in the day). I'll pass.

Dolce & Gabbana Light Blue is beautiful, sells amazingly well, and will probably be around forever. I like it quite a bit, but it smells better just out of the bottle than it does lingering on me. Plus, I like a classic and all but always prefer something a little less well known for myself. Just my preference, but this is fourth for me.

Harajuku Lovers G is so stinking cute. Who could resist that bottle? This fragrance makes me happy. On myself, I smell mostly the coconut, but that's a smell I really enjoy. Given that it's fall/winter, I didn't want to go with that one this time around. Number three on my list.

Michael Kors Very Hollywood leaves me speechless. Hate gardenia. Hate it. Dead last, 'nuff said.

Versace Bright Crystal is beautiful. I know, I know, it's hard to read that this is a blend of Donnatella's favorite scents and think that it's going to be beautiful, but it really is. It came in fourth place for me only because Pink Sugar is so completely wearable and Harajuku Lovers G is so refreshing and tropical, but this is a solid, beautiful fragrance. It definitely feels rich, and I liked wearing it.

But y'all, I have found my Chanel No. 5 in this set. It's called Stella McCartney Stella Nude, and I am in. love. with. it. It's hard to explain, and when you look at the notes, it looks strange. Moroccan Rose, Grapefruit, White Peony, Pink Pepper, Precious Vanilla, Grey Amber, and Musk? Yeah, weird. And yet somehow it works. I read all these reviews of it, and they all say that it's crazy similar to Stella. Well, I tried Stella, and I can't stand it. Stella Nude is a Sephora exclusive, and it's just the juice right now, no ancillary products. It's a really new fragrance, so they may come out with them in time. There's a holiday gift set that includes a candle, but I think that's a weird combination (though the fragrance is soft and sensual, so ok maybe). In fact, the first time I put it on I said to the Music Man, "It smells like ME to me, but it might be a little too sexy". I've decided that it isn't. :)

So jazzed that I got that set and got to try all of the fragrances, and of course even more excited that I found a perfect fit for myself. If you have a gift to buy for the holidays or want to try some new scents for yourself, I highly recommend this set. They also have a second set with best sellers, and a deluxe sample set. Love Sephora!

Stay tunes for a review of the Tarte Treasure Chest, $52 with a value of almost $700!

First Day of the Challenge!

2009-11-06T08:14:00.002-05:00

OK everyone, game on! This morning please post whatever you're comfortable with, either your starting weight and goal, or just your goal.

Heather:
Current weight: 150.0 lbs.
Goal weight: 130.0 lbs.

My biggest challenges in this: I'll be in Russia from Nov 20-Dec 1 and have little to no control over what we'll eat. Yikes! There's no exercise there either, so that'll be 20% of the contest that I'll have to play completely by ear. Not fun! But, this is something I want, so I'm going to work for it.

My ultimate goal: To get comfortable in my body again. I was maintaining 133 lbs. without a huge amount of work, but after the miscarriage, I haven't been able to get the rest of the weight off. I'd like to lose the weight before I get pregnant again, as I REALLY never want to see 200 lbs. on a scale again!

What about you? Let us know your goal!

"Real difficulties can be overcome; it is only the imaginary ones that are unconquerable."
- Theodore N. Vail

On The Eighth Weigh of Christmas...

2009-11-05T13:18:00.004-05:00

...My true self gave to me...

Tomorrow I'm starting a little competition, a weight loss competition. I've needed a push to get my extra weight off, and thought as I was watching The Biggest Loser that something like that might work. There are about ten of us who are working at it, and I'm jazzed to see how it comes out!

Background:
Christmas is 8 weeks from tomorrow. The average American is said to gain 10 lbs between Thanksgiving and New Year's Day. Who wants to be part of THAT statistic?! Not I!

Rules:
*I don't expect everyone to count calories, but if you DO, please eat at least 1200 calories per day. Anything less is simply not healthy or maintainable.
*Please set yourself a weight loss goal, with a maximum goal of 20 lbs for the 8 weeks.
*Ten hours exercise per week tops.
*No insanity. This should go without saying, but NO severe calorie restriction, NO purging, NO laxatives, NO overexercising. NO "last chance workouts".
*Weigh in every Friday morning and post your loss as a comment. You may post your current and previous weight or the percentage you lost, whichever you prefer! For myself, I'll post starting weight, current weight, pounds lost, and percent total lost because I'm a number cruncher like that. :)
*Person with the greatest percentage toward her goal wins at the end of the 8 weeks.

Calculators to help you find out how much to eat, etc:
How much to eat: http://www.freedieting.com/tools/calorie_calculator.htm#
(Fat Loss is 1 lb. per week, Extreme Fat Loss is 2 lbs)

Healthy weight chart: http://www.healthchecksystems.com/heightweightchart.htm

Calories burned during common activities (if you don't have a heart rate monitor):
http://www.healthstatus.com/cbc.html

Who can't wait to see how amazing they look and feel come Christmas morning?! It'll be a great gift for yourself! :)

If you're playing along, please introduce yourself in the comments section so we can get to know you. Tell us a little about you and why you decided to take up this challenge. I'd also like to know your personal goal (up to 20 lbs) for the contest.

Personally, I decided to do this to kick my tail a bit. I'm working out 5 days a week, but have gotten complacent. Last year at this time I entered my final push and got around my goal weight at 133. I'm back up to 150, and I just feel less strong and compact than I was. I'm back to a size 10 after a while as a 6, and I miss being a 6. My goal is 20 lbs, which will get me to 130 lbs by Christmas morning!

I'm working on a prize, so stay tuned for that. :)

So Sorry!

2009-11-04T08:38:00.002-05:00

OK y'all, I'm sorry it's taken me so long to get back here. Things have been really busy getting ready for my trip to Russia (in SIXTEEN DAYS), getting my workouts in, and doing the whole wife/mother thing of late.

In the lsat few weeks, I've had some sweet ministry, shared my testimony with my team, and gathered the stuff I think I'll need for the trip. Last night I got really excited for the first time because everything has come together. Finances are in. Tickets are purchased. Visas arrived.

I'm going to Russia! In two weeks! Finally, I'm ready for an adventure. God's been working on this heart of mine, teaching me things experientially. It's that 18" drop, as they say. It's starting to manifest in my heart, this love of Jesus. For me. For all my crap. For freedom from shame, condemnation, mirey muck.

God's just so tender. That's what I can't get over, that tenderness. I'm hoping that I'll learn what it's like to have a Father like that, that He'll teach me time and again when I've forgotten that He's not who I thought He was. I need to be retrained, you know. Need to know that the image of father I grew up with is not true of my Heavenly Father.

Leaving you with a wonderful song today. It makes me cry. :)

I'm 30!

2009-10-14T08:13:00.003-04:00

Monday was my birthday, the big one. Three-oh. I've been anticipating it for about six months, and it wasn't the least painful thing that's ever happened to me. It wasn't horrible, but still. I awoke to a freaking monsoon. I love the rain, but I'm totally over it at this point. I needed to run some errands for my trip to Russia in the morning, so I went out to Target and Old Navy where the rain soaked the bottom NINE INCHES of my jeans. Seriously.

Made it home in time to change clothes and take the kids over to Music in-law's so MM and I could go out to lunch. Had a lovely Thai meal, then we walked around the Square for a bit. The Special-Birthday-Cupcake place was closed, so I had no cake that day. :( When we were done, I had more errands to run, so we did them together. Not exactly fun or exciting, but hey, some things got crossed off my list.

I was feeling icky and restless that evening, so I decided to go to dance class. Yes, I went to the gym on my birthday. I felt like dance was a gift that God gave me last year through my friend Prisoner of Hope, and I wanted to express that back to Him. It was lovely.

In the last two days, I've received some sweet affirmations from people precious to me, lovely things that provided a little levity to the weight I've been feeling of late. Thank you. And you and you.

So even though the day wasn't exactly special or thrilling, as ElleBee said, "at least I know it's not that different than 29"! Yes indeed.

Quick P90X Update

2009-10-05T08:41:00.003-04:00

I don't think that I've mentioned that I stopped doing p90X, but I did. I took a hard look at my goals and realized that what I want right now in my life and fitness routine is to be in the weight room more. I decided to go to M, T, Th, F in the weight room with cardio M night, Reformer T night, Pilates mat and cardio W night, and cardio S morning. I'm considered adding yoga on Sunday afternoon because I feel like I've lost some of my flexibility with all the weight training.

As for why I stopped P90X, I just didn't feel it was intense enough. I think it's a good program on the whole, but it wasn't getting me where I wanted to be. There are also more exercises that are dangerous than I'd like, at least for me. I don't have any HUGE weaknesses, but my hip flexors are iffy, and it's easy for me to strain the shoulder excessively. In the last two weeks of designing my own program, I'm seeing some results in my body that even a couple of the guys in the gym have mentioned. For now, that's what I'll do. I'll let you know how it comes out!

Girls In The Weight Room

2009-10-02T13:41:00.003-04:00

I have something to say and, judging by the gender split in the weight room at my gym, it's not going to be popular.

I changed my strength schedule to M, T, Th, F instead of M, W, F because I wanted to do two 2-day splits. Tuesday, I was super excited to see when I got there that there were FIVE other women in there with me. And then I kept looking. Three of them were on ab benches/Roman chairs. One was doing hip adductors, and one girl was doing my kind of stuff, bicep curls and their ilk. That last girl worked hard and was in there for most of my workout. I get a little competitive, and she lifts around what I do (except I deadlift more and she does more on shoulder flys).

I was totally jazzed that I had someone to push me and was hoping that she'd be at the gym when I got there this morning. She was. My heart sunk.

She's a personal trainer. So apparently, at a big gym in an affluent neighborhood, I'm the only girl who is in the weight room regularly doing more than three machines. That's just not ok! The weight room isn't just for the musclehead guys. And there are is much more to do than just abs and thighs. Dumbbells? They're amazing.

I'm just saying give it a shot. The meatheads really want to help, and some of the things they've suggested I do have resulted in big changes in my body over the last few weeks. I'll post pictures soon. Get in there and sweat!

Fame!

2009-09-26T20:21:00.002-04:00

Today I went to the movies. I don't often go, but it's something that I've loved since I was single and working retail--taking in a movie by myself. I went to see Fame, as I remember vividly watching the show at my grandma's house when I was little.

As a bit of back story, a few weeks ago I went to the prophetic time at a church called DayStar. I got some amazing prophecy, but the thing that really stuck with me was the man relating that my spiritual gift is seeing "the beauty realm of God". I confess that I really enjoyed hearing that word, and it settled deep into my spirit, but I didn't really know what it meant.

Last Friday, I went to DayStar again with my friend Kathryn. She was talking about the ways that the enemy bastardizes the gifts God places within us, exploits them and seeks to use them to destroy our lives. In the last couple of days, that's become more clear to me. Before I was a Christian, I listened to gangster rap. Loud, angry, anti-authority music. The first thing I remember God changing in me in the weeks that I was walking toward Jesus was Him telling me that I couldn't listen to that any longer. Friends of mine listened to people like Nichole Nordeman and Casting Crowns, so I started listening to them, too. I didn't really know why, and my husband was perplexed, but I just knew that's what I was supposed to do.

Back to the beauty realm of God. So in the last few days, I've been realizing that I find God most through music and dance. I like quiet time, I enjoy being in the Word and journaling and praying and all, but I meet Him face to face through worship. The beauty realm. Music. Dancing.

Part of the word I was given said that what I bring is enough. This is a big thing for me, since I'm not (in my estimation) particularly talented at any given thing. I'm an ok musician, an ok writer, a poor singer, an ok dancer, a poor artist. Doesn't really seem like Da Vinci or anything, you know?

However, I think that that's not the most important thing, the outcome of my efforts. The import is in the meeting God in the effort. Wow. Isn't that amazing?! The fact that one could DO something because one LOVES it, not to strive or perfect or claw at something. I've never done that, not in anything. I've never really RESTED.

Lately God's been whispering Zephaniah 3:17 over me, mostly the line, "He will quiet you with His love". Quiet. Simplicity.

So what does any of that have to do with the movie "Fame"?! Well, in the movie, Charles S. Dutton's character is talking to Malik, an angry kid with a crappy past. He's trying to get to his HEART, to chisel away at the hardness and protection. He says, "The parts of yourself that you're ashamed of, the parts you want to keep a secret, they are who you are. That is your POWER".

Indeed. May I use it to the glory of God.

Row, Row, Row Your Boat...

2009-09-22T08:08:00.002-04:00

...gently down the STREET! My friend Wendy posted that to her Facebook account yesterday, and it was totally accurate! In the Atl metro area, we've gotten 12-20" of rain in the last several days. There are four ways to get to our house, and three of them are washed out or flooded. The fourth way took us 3.5 hours yesterday. Listen to the harrowing tale...

Yesterday morning, the kids really wanted to get out and go to the gym. Against my intuition and better judgment, I said yes. We get to the gym without incident, and I did my first routine on the lifting plan that I designed for myself (more on that later). We were done about 11:45 and headed home. Since they closed the Bally close to my house, the one we travel to is about 25 minutes from home, which isn't terrible in a city this big. We spent about 45 minutes getting close, and saw that cars were floating in our intersection. Turned around and tried to take highway 92. Got turned away, as the road was literally washed away from flood waters. Tried a third way around, and the water was too muddy to see through, so we didn't chance it. Three kids in the car, there was no way I was going to risk getting stranded in the driving rain.

After I pulled over, called the Music Man, and cried for a bit from the stress, we decided to just go back the way we came, since there wasn't really any flooding in that part of town. We made it safely to a nice mall where the kids got to play on the soft indoor playground. Of course I didn't have a stroller with me, augh.

MM came to meet us there after school, and we all had a spot of lunch. Around 3:30, we decided to try the only way home that MIGHT still be available to us. At 6:10, it looked like we might be close, only to find that 2 miles from our house, there was major flooding on the road that intersects ours. Plan, um, let's see, we've already exhausted plans A-M or so, so let's say Plan N. I pulled up to the intersection and asked the officer if the last thing I could think of was still available. He said yes. Cautiously optimistic, we set out. As it turns out, we were able to make it those last 5 miles in under an hour, and I was home a bit after 7.

All told, we spent almost 6 hours in the car. My children had no naps, mall food for lunch, and got to play on their playground for an hour and a half. They thought it was a great day! Mom and dad on the other hand almost had a couple of breakdowns. Yet here it is 8:20 am and everyone is still asleep! Needless to say, since school is canceled today and we have nowhere we MUST go, we plan to stay HOME!

P90X--Day 31

2009-09-17T09:51:00.002-04:00

Yesterday was back and biceps, and it was intense. Good things: I do assisted pull-ups with the machine at the gym. You set it at a weight that's challenging for you, but it's in the negative (because it assists you, so if you set it at 100 lbs and you weight 140, you're lifting 40 lbs). The first week, I set it at 80 lbs, so I was lifting 60ish. Two weeks ago, I set it at 70. This week, I set it at 60. It's easier when I'm doing close grip or chin ups, but REALLY challenging when I'm doing wide grip (because you can't use any biceps in that position). Today my biceps are screaming, but my back feels fine. Bad things: even with weight gloves, I've ripped the crap out of my hands. Blisters, bleeding, etc. And my tendons are KILLING me. Good thing: Guy at the gym was so impressed that I do lawnmowers with 35 lb. weights. :)

Also yesterday I went to 1/2 of my Pilates mat class (long story, got there late because of some serious traffic) and then stayed for Zumba to get some cardio in. I might've overdone it a bit, but I ate quite a bit yesterday, probably about 1800 kcal.

Weight has stabilized. I haven't lost any more, but I haven't gained it back, either. I was concerned about my metabolism slowing b/c I've been eating so little, so yesterday I really worked hard at getting the calories in. I'm still not back to normal, but I can fight for my health, the progress I've made, and what God really wants for me.

P90X--Day 29

2009-09-15T09:30:00.002-04:00

OK, so here's a quick update to bring you up to speed. Last week, week 4, was recovery week on Phase 1. Last week, everything hit the fan. We had three deaths in the family in 48 hours. Everything with my Russia trip exploded. I could not eat. I would get to the end of the day and realize, "Hmm, I've had 400 calories and it's 9 pm." Not good. I could not sleep. I did not exercise even one time. Now, y'all know me. Does not eating, not sleeping, and not exercising sound like me? Those are three of my VERY FAVORITE things!! I lost 6 lbs. In a week.

Thankfully, though I still have no appetite, I'm past the nauseated thing. I'm forcing myself to eat at least 1000 calories per day, and I'm back to the gym. I did a quick run/walk on Sunday morning. Yesterday I got back to P90X.

So chest/shoulders/triceps. Sigh. I had high hopes for this workout, but I don't feel like it's all that safe. The Y-presses create such strain on the shoulder girdle. I was doing it and one of the guys in the weight room, Duke (who is my grandfather's age) came over and told me to never do that again because it WILL cause injury no matter how perfectly you do it). The pourers caused something to pop in there. Bottom line, I feel like I have better options than some of those exercises because I have access to a gym. Chest presses, shoulder dips, and upright rows are safer and more effective, IMO. I'll probably keep the exercises I think are safe and sub out the ones that are painful. Still excited about back and biceps tomorrow!

Oh, and I am SORE! YAY!!

Tonight is Pilates Reformer. I'm switching some things around to make the schedule work for me, mostly subbing out Thursday yoga for Tuesday Pilates and doing cardio on Thursday instead. Will keep M-W-F weights as is. Man, I love being in that weight room. The guys look out for you and want to help you get where you want to be. The trainers look at you every. single. time. they walk through (not in a gross way, in a "wow, there's a girl in here" way). Duke even mentioned yesterday that he's seeing me make some progress. Yay!

I'll take pics soon, but I don't think it's fair since I dropped the weight due to stress. I don't see much progress, but I'm trying to remember that most people on the beachbody.com message boards say they don't see much physically until weeks 6-8. Also, I'm seeing DEFINITE strength gains, most especially in upper body. I'm hopeful that at the end of this 13 weeks, I'll be able to do pullups completely unassisted. Working hard!!

So...

2009-09-12T08:57:00.002-04:00

Ok, so I still don't know if I'm going to Russia or staying home (or if the whole trip is going to happen). We have a meeting tomorrow and I'd be lying if I said I wasn't nervous about it. However, God is teaching me some things in the waiting. He's teaching me Who I can always rely on. He's showing me some areas of my emotions that are not healed. This situation has completely exploded, and my stuff, Ransomed Grace's stuff, and the other woman's stuff (we'll call her Freedom) are all touching each other. Actually, I shouldn't say touching. That sounds gentle. Our stuff is all rubbing and scraping and bruising and crashing into each other. It hurts, and it's icky, and I think we all feel pretty defiled at this point.

I'll be interested to see what comes out of the meeting, since it's one of those things that could be a real turning point for the team. I'm hoping that it's redemptive and that I'll be able to express my heart about everything that's going on. I want RG (and the rest of us, but mostly her) to feel at peace with whatever decision is made.

Last night I went to the prophetic time at a local church I enjoy. I got some prophecy that said something I'd never heard about myself before this week. Wednesday night I was told that I have the ability to change the energy in a room, both for good and for bad. Last night, that was confirmed by a stranger, so I'm trying to see what it means to really walk that out. In the meantime, I need to really check myself and my attitude!

This morning in my quiet time, I feel like God brought me to my life verse, which is Micah 6:8,
"He has showed you, O man, what is good.
And what does the LORD require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
and to walk humbly with your God."

He told me that in this situation I have NOT acted justly. I have NOT loved mercy. I have NOT walked humbly with Him. It brought me to my knees, this not fulfilling the verse that God gave me to live my life by.

I'll update after tomorrow, praying there will be calm resolution, resolution that leaves all seven of us with peace and certainty that this is God's will!

Are You A Disney Mom?

2009-09-10T08:29:00.004-04:00

Have you been to WDW at least once in the last 12 months? Do you know more about Disney than anyone you know? Why not apply to be on the 2010 Disney Mom's Panel? You've got 10 days or until they have 20,000 apps in, whichever comes first. Go now!

http://disneyworldforum.disney.go.com/recruiting/

Out of 20,000, they'll choose around a dozen(you know, the whole "many will enter, few will win" thing). Could that be YOU?!

I'm Pretty Sure This Isn't What Paul Meant

2009-09-09T12:26:00.002-04:00

about "working out your salvation with fear and trembling".

For the last several days, things with my trip to Russia have intensified. As in, I may be asked not to go. It's far too much to get into right now, but I'm recognizing what this is doing to me. My hands tremble thinking about it. My appetite is nil. I'm sleeping 4-5 hours a night at most, and waking in the middle of the night to boot. I know that this is spiritual warfare, but I'm in a situation where people on every side, people who I thought loved and cared for me, are acting like I'm a pariah. And you know, maybe I am and I just can't see it.

I wanted to go to Russia because I felt like God was calling me to it. I still feel that way, even with all of this insanity. I can say that a year ago, I would've just run away. Just recognizing that feels like a big step for me, feels like I'm putting on my "big girl panties" and standing firm.

I dunno, y'all. Right now I'm just waiting for the team leader to decide, I guess. She's so upset about the whole situation that she says now SHE doesn't even know if she's supposed to lead the team. Yeah, it's that serious. So if you're the praying kind, please pray for wisdom for Ransomed Grace (who is leading the team), for clarity for she and I. For a spirit of reconciliation to permeate and be palpable.

I'll keep you updated.

To Russia, With Love

2009-09-07T07:35:00.002-04:00

OK everyone, I believe I'm actually going. I've been praying for about three months, and feel pretty certain, based on some changes to the team that my relative certainly means I'm supposed to go. I'm going to need prayer and $2000 by November 15, so God's got a B-I-G task to accomplish! Here's my letter, if you're interested in prayer and/or financial support.

Dear Friends,

Imagine a place where atheism was the formal statement of faith of the government for most of the 20th century, where the population is dying faster than they're giving birth. Imagine a country where life expectancy for men has decreased by six years, and where alcohol is said to play a role in the deaths of nearly a third of the population. Imagine living in a place where your faith is determined largely by your ethnicity instead of the state of your heart, and where less than 1% of the population is comprised of evangelical Christians. Imagine going to a city that was right in the heart of the Russian Gulag and trying to bring light into darkness.

I've only once missed Thanksgiving with my family, and this year I will forgo my single annual pilgrimage home to go where I believe the Lord is sending me. To Russia. In the middle of winter. November 20-December 1, I will be traveling to Perm with a team from the Atlanta Vineyard Church. The purposes of the trip are:
1. To encourage the believers in a dark, lost part of the world and pour out spiritual refreshment from the Lord.
2. To allow God to work in our own lives as we watch Him transform hearts and lives through testimony and rhema word.
3. To pray "on sight with insight", setting foot on Russian soil and letting the Holy Spirit inform us of how to pray for this nation.
4. To develop and foster relationships with local believers, to make the world smaller geographically but explode it relationally.

I am excited about going on this my first mission trip. I consider it no coincidence that I started learning Russian in April and decided to apply for a passport in June, and then was asked to pray about this trip later that same month. I am writing to ask for both prayer and financial partnership.

While I'm comfortable asking for prayer support, asking for financial support is a bit more difficult. As you can imagine, a trip like this requires support from a number of people. I need to raise $2,000 by November 15, with $1200 due by October 1. If you'd like to be a part of this mission financially, checks may be made payable to the Atlanta Vineyard Church and mailed or given to me. A receipt for tax purposes will follow. I covet your prayers as well, knowing that this trip will not accomplish its God-intended end without covering. If you'd like to commit to praying for me as I prepare for the trip, please let me know. I so value your friendship and support.

Passionately Pursuing the Kingdom,

Heather

Happy Birthday CCM!!

2009-09-06T09:10:00.003-04:00

Y'all, my son is three. THREE!!

Monster, you are a true joy. You make me smile with all of your cuteness, with your amazing vocabulary, your sweet kindnesses to your sisters. You potty trained yourself in about 3 weeks (!!) because you wanted to and knew you were ready. Son, you are the most fantastic little person. I cannot wait to see who you become in this next year. We love you, we cherish you, we can't wait to get to know you more.

Love,
Mama

P90X Update

2009-09-02T14:25:00.002-04:00

Just wanted to let you all know that I'm still "X"ing it every day. I haven't been posting because the first three weeks are exactly the same, so it didn't make much sense to me to bore you with my diet and details. Monday starts week 4, and I'll probably post how the "recovery week" workouts make me feel, as well as the changes in week 5. As I've mentioned before, I think I'm going to do P90X Doubles, just with my own favorite classes instead of just plain Cardio X each day. I'm thinking I'll probably just dance three days, as I burn more kcal in my dance classes at the gym than I do on plyo or Kenpo.

The Vegan(ish) Experiment again, which somehow I lost track of a few months ago. She has some amazing recipes that I plan to make in the next week (black bean and millet burgers? Chickpea piccata patties? I'm SO there), but last night I wanted to start with a slight modification of her ginger-sesame noodle salad. This was so delicious that the children all had at least seconds. Music Man made the pasta while I napped and didn't salt the water, so I needed to salt the final dish a bit for my liking. I also added a little Thai chili sauce at the end because I like that sweet heat thing. :)

Ingredients:

1-2-inch piece of ginger, peeled and chopped into a few big pieces
4 t. tamari (or 5-6 t. soy sauce)
4 T. apple cider vinegar
4 T. sesame oil
1/3 c. extra virgin olive oil
1/4-1/2 tsp. cayenne pepper

1 box whole wheat spaghetti, cooked according to package instructions
2 bell pepper julienned into ~1/4-inch strips
2 carrots (I grated mine because they're too hard for the baby to chew)
1 onion, sliced thinly
3 cloves garlic
2 c. cauliflower steamed (recipe called for broccoli, but I was out)
2 c. fresh or frozen peas
2 T. sesame seeds, toasted*

Heather's Variation:
1. Mince the ginger using a food processor or high-speed blender, scraping the sides as necessary
2. Add the next five ingredients and blend until fully emulsified.
3. Saute' veggies in a bit of olive oil, add garlic for the last few minutes. This is a LOT of veggies that filled my smallish wok.
4. Pour sauce over veggies and let simmer a few minutes.
5. Pour veggies with sauce into your pasta pot and serve. Give your family seconds and even THIRDS so there's barely enough for your Music Man to take for lunch the next day. :)

Original Directions:

1. Mince the ginger using a food processor, scraping the sides as necessary
2. Add the next five ingredients and blend until fully emulsified.
3. Combine all of the other ingredients in a large container, add dressing, seal, and shake until well-tossed.
4. Chill in the fridge for at least a couple of hours.

*I put the sesame seeds into a dry pan and shook it over a high burner until they started to brown and become fragrant.

P90X--Day 8 and Weigh In

2009-08-25T08:56:00.000-04:00

Start: 148.8
Week 1: 146.4

OK, I have a confession to make. I can't do pull-ups. It's a total bummer. I'm going to get there, but today I decided to use the assisted pull-up machine set to 80 lbs so I was only lifting 65 lbs (your weight-what you set it at=weight lifted). 80 lbs was pretty easy, so next time I'll try 70 (that's Friday).

Tomorrow is plyo in the morning, and I'm going to a low-impact dance class tomorrow night for kicks. Miss it so much!

Breakfast:
eggs and mustard (225)
peach (100)

Snack:
protein bar (200)

Lunch:
chicken breast (140)
string cheese (80)
banana (90)

afternoon snack:
almonds (110)
string cheese (80)
ice pop (15)

Dinner:
mac and cheese (280)
green salad with chicken (150)
peach (70)

Evening snack:
Protein bar (200)
green smoothie (150)
tortilla chips (50)
banana (100)
cheese and 3 crackers (100)
almonds (60)

p 25%
f 31%
c 44%

2200

water: 19

P90X--Day 7

2009-08-24T08:05:00.001-04:00

Day 7, woohoo! Today is X Stretch, and it's a really wonderful DVD. Tomorrow I'll weigh in for the week, and I'm not excited. I was losing REALLY fast by mid-week, but I upped my carbs because lower carb was way hard for me. Sigh. Tony Horton says that P90X isn't necessarily a weight loss program, and I understand why I'm not losing as much, but it bums me out. I was hoping for less workouts and more food and still a reasonable loss. :) Dare to dream!

As it stands, I still plan to get back to a size 6 by mid-November. I'm hoping that when I can add in doubles M-W-F in month 2 that I'll finally start to shed some pounds. Even if I don't drop weight, I'm not going to quit. I can feel how this weight lifting routine is going to get me nice and strong, and I'm looking forward to that.

On to week 2!

Breakfast:
cheerios, dry (100)
eggs w/ mustard (225)
pear (115)

Lunch:
pizza (500)

Afternoon snack:
banana (70)
string cheese (80)
peach (90)

Dinner:
turkey sausage, peppers, and onions (300)

Snack:
protein bar (180)
peach (100)
banana (100)
cheerios, dry (100)

p 18%
f 28%
c 56%

1960

water: 17

*Went over my weekly calories by 250, which is totally fine with me. I didn't decide to start calorie cycling until Wednesday, so I think I did pretty well. I was just crazy hungry today!

P90X--Day 6

2009-08-22T10:24:00.009-04:00

So we're almost done with this week of posts about P90X, aren't you glad? :)

Way overate yesterday and have to calculate cals to see what I'm "allowed"to have today and tomorrow to make the week come out even on my calorie cycle. Don't know what calorie cycling is? Well, it's adjusting your cals daily to a moderate degree so your body can't wind your metabolism down to expect 1800 calories a day. For me, this translates to:

S 1800
M 1800
T 1400
W 2200
T 1800
F 1600
S 2000

Only Tuesdays are hard, especially because that's the day I do plyometrics and have Pilates Reformer, but I'll adjust to it soon enough. I can't wait to see where my body is in 84 more days!

Today is Kenpo, and I've been dreading it because I have iffy knees and bad hip flexors. It was actually m-u-c-h easier than I anticipated. I burned about 425 calories, which isn't much given that yesterday, doing legs and back resistance training, I burned 450.

Breakfast:
cereal and milk (150)
banana (70)

Morning snack:
protein bar (190)

Lunch:
vegan stir fry and brown rice (350)
almonds (40)

Dinner:
naan with roasted red pepper dip (350)
ice pop (15)

Snack:
cereal and milk (225)

1385

Water: 15

P90X--Day 5

2009-08-22T07:56:00.001-04:00

OK, so we're 5 days in and I'm feeling pretty good. I like this program because it's easy and streamlined, and I don't FEEL like I'm working all that hard but I'm burning lots of calories. I'll be interested to see what the scale says on Sunday, but until then, I'm just working.

Legs and back today was killer. I didn't feel terrible during the workout, but when I was carrying the Joyful Babe up the steps to the car after the gym, I darn near dropped her! I barely trusted myself to drive; can't wait to see what I feel like tomorrow. Soreness and kickboxing should be interesting! I just can't wait to get to Sunday, when I get to do an hour of just STRETCHING. Woohoo!!

Breakfast:
banana (80)
eggs (220)

P90X snack:
pear (100)
protein bar (230)
banana (70)

Afternoon snack:
ice pops (oh yes, THOSE water-sugar-purple ice pops from Madison Park) (30)
almonds (70)

Dinner:
vegan stir-fry with brown rice (300)

Evening snack:
green smoothie (250)
chocolate square (40)
manchego cheese (80)
almonds (100)

p 19%
f 26%
c 55%

1570

water: 16

P90X--Day 4

2009-08-20T08:17:00.004-04:00

It's 8:15 am, and I have finished my 90 minute yoga workout for the day. That mess was HARD! I'm usually really good at yoga, but not having done it regularly for two months plus the muscle confusion going on because of the program made it pretty difficult today. Love!

Breakfast:
banana (75)
protein bar (200)
Life cereal (30)

Morning snack:
almonds (150)

Lunch:
eggs w/ egg protein and spinach (375)
banana (75)

Afternoon snack:
dried apricots (100)
baking bites (300) --no idea, could be less, but we'll go with that.

Dinner:
ww pasta and sauce (350)

Dessert for Ginger's birthday (200)

banana (100)

1950

water: 11

P90X--Day 3

2009-08-20T08:01:00.001-04:00

Had Reformer last night, and it was then that I could really feel the P90X work. It doesn't feel awful when I do it, and I'm not like going-to-die sore, but I can definitely feel that I've been doing something different.

Arms and shoulders today was killer. I totally loved it, but I know I'm going to feel it tomorrow. I went to Pilates mat tonight, and my arms were shaking just in cat/camel! Tomorrow for P90X is yoga, and I can't wait to see how hard it is!

Breakfast:
banana (90)
eggs w/ spinach (225)

Morning snack:
Protein bar (200)

Bites during baking: 100
LOOOOTS of almonds: 250

Dinner:
quiche (200)
bread (125)
banana (100)
tortilla chips (150)

protein bar (210)

Whoops, also had a smoothie, and forgot the apple tart.
smoothie (150)
tart (350)

2150

Water: 10

No idea about my values, but I'd say probably 25p/35f/40c. No real idea, but I tried! I can tell I'm eating too much animal protein b/c the whites of my eyes are turning yellow. That's so freaking disgusting. Gah. Hopefully this month goes quickly, else I'm not going to make it on high protein!

P90X--Day 2

2009-08-19T07:31:00.000-04:00

Pre-workout:
10 almonds (65)

Workout:
Plyo X. This wasn't nearly as bad as I expected. I'm not a high jumper, so it was probably a little less intense for me than for some others, but I still managed to burn 500 (actually 508) calories in that 57 minutes. That's totally respectable, especially given that I was at home and didn't have the space I needed to REALLY Get into some of those leaps. I'll try to reconfigure for next time, but it felt pretty good. Am wondering if P90X is intense enough for me. Perhaps I'm cardiovascularly strong enough that I don't need anything more intense? I am hoping that this focus on just 2 body parts for weights each session will help me see lots more definition, and I'm excited to try it at the gym with much heavier weights and less reps.

Breakfast:
banana (85)
eggs with spinach and 1 T egg protein (which makes them tough and gross) (230)

Morning snack:
protein bar (180)

Lunch:
chicken breast w/ 1 T. sour cream (160)
plum (75)
banana (120)

Afternoon snack:
2 bananas (200)

Dinner:
3 eggs with spinach and mustard (300)

Evening snack:
green smoothie w/ 1 T protein powder (175)
coconut M&Ms (100)
cereal and milk (225)
almonds (75)

p 117 24%
f 58 26%
c 252 50%

2020

water: 15

Other workout:
Pilates Reformer

P90X--Day 1

2009-08-18T08:34:00.000-04:00

Day 1 workout was much easier than I expected. The abs were verging on easy, and the hour of push-ups and pull-ups wasn't easy. My arms were shaking and I didn't feel great, but I wasn't ready to puke or anything. Looking forward to tomorrow, which I'm sure is going to kill me!

So the diet. Sigh. Phase I is supposed to be 50p/30c/20f. This is hard for me as one who doesn't eat much meat. I'm just going to give it my best and hope to get 30-40% protein. If I'm being honest, my body responds well to higher protein, I just don't like it much. I FEEL better on 70% carbs, 20% protein, and 10% fat, but right now I'm looking lumpy and want to look more cut again. So here we go! I'm going to make my own protein bars out of organic brown rice protein b/c I refuse to buy the junk bars on the market. Will let you know how they come out!

Breakfast:
3 eggs w/ spinach and mustard (cooked in 1 t. butter) (250)
peach (60)

Lunch:
tuna salad w/ mustard and sour cream (120)
almonds (135)

P90X snack:
peanut butter (200)
10 grapes (35)
5 dried apricots (90)

Dinner:
grapes (50)
chicken breast (100)
1/2 kids' cheeseburger(250)

Evening snack:
green smoothie (278)
dry cheerios

protein: 546 34%
fat: 621 38%
carbs: 452 28%

1794 cals

water: 15 c.

P90X--"Before"

2009-08-17T08:31:00.000-04:00

OK, so here we are, day 1 of P90X. I'm probably a little crazy to post these before pictures, especially since I gained all that weight with the pregnancy/miscarriage, but it is what it is (or as my husband has appropriated, "everything is everything").

No more dilly-dallying, here are the stats:

Weight: 148.8 lbs
Body fat: 24.1%
Chest: 35.5"
Waist: 33"
Hips: 43"
Thigh: 22"
Bicep: 11.75"

As the book says, "This is not just a before picture. It's a GOODBYE picture"!

It's Time To Get Extreme!

2009-08-16T15:04:00.002-04:00

Yep, you guessed it. I'm starting P90X tomorrow. I have high hopes that it'll help me get the rest of the miscarriage weight off and get to a physical place I'm happy with. Plus, I'm supposed to leave for Russia in about 98 days and want to finish it before hand. Finally, a girl I went to high school with is going to start it with me so that I have some support. With P90X, there are three program options. First, classic, which is a mere 7 hours a week. There's lean, which is supposed to help you burn fat, but you don't get as strong, and finally doubles, which adds 3-4 hours of cardio a week on top of your regular P90X workout for the day.

I think I'm going to do doubles, but you don't add anything until week 5. I'm already used to 14-16 hours a week at the gym, so, while I know this will be more intense, I think I can handle it. I'll document here my stats and yes, probably even include the before/during/after pictures. Scary!

Stay tuned, tomorrow is an HOUR of chest and back. Ay!

Maiden Voyage

2009-08-13T09:54:00.002-04:00

Y'all, my passport's in the mail. It's supposed to be here by Monday, and I'm totally excited. For about two months, I've been praying about a mission trip to Russia. When Ransomed Grace first mentioned it to me, there was just no way I could see to go.

I kept getting these nagging things that felt like confirmations, but I hadn't gotten a clear word from the Lord. Some counsel I got from both RG and my spiritual mama said that, to go to a place as dark as Russia, I would need to KNOW that I knew I was supposed to go. Well, so I spent some time fasting and praying on my face, and I felt like He said that I'm supposed to take the trip.

November 20-30, I believe I'll be in Perm, Russia. It means raising $2,000 in support. It means 15 hours of flying each way. It means not seeing my kids for 10 days. It means missing Thanksgiving with my family. It means that the Music Man will have to take days off of school; Music-in-laws will miss work and care for the kids a bit, too. And if I dwell on those things, I'm completely sad.

However, when I think about being asked to be part of a retreat on sanctification, about bringing light to my sisters in a spiritually bleak place, I am overjoyed. Then I laugh at the Lord's foresight in having me start learning Russian a few months ago, and applying for a passport before RG ever told me about the possibility of the trip. You gotta appreciate God's sense of humor.

So, It's Been A While...

2009-08-06T10:35:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I know. That miscarriage threw me for a loop. Actually, I'm still in that loop. But the beautiful thing about walking through this with the Lord and people who love Him is that you're totally on a boomerang path.

You come back because there's nowhere else to go. You come back because there's no one else who loves you like He does. You come back because there's no other balm for your heart. And, once you mature and see through His lens, you come back because you love Him too, and you want to please Him more than you want to hold on to your bitterness.

I don't know yet what I was supposed to learn from those 5 weeks of trials (starting with finding that we were expecting, then losing my job, then losing my gym, then losing the Music Man's second job, then losing the baby). I know that it broke my heart enough to move me toward God and away from some unforgiveness. Why else? I may never know.

In other news, I may be going to Russia over Thanksgiving for 10 days. I have to decide by Sunday. Pretty well everything is in place, except that I need to raise $2000 in support. I've never raised support of any kind, so we'll see how this goes. I'm not 100% sure that God wants me to go, but He hasn't thrown up any roadblocks yet. He hasn't answered my supplications in that respect for two months now, so I'm going with the theory that not getting a "no" means "go ahead--for now". I'm good either way, really. I want to go, but ten days without my family, especially over the holidays, seems really hard.

You're pretty well up to speed. I'll try to be more consistent!

School Supplies!

2009-08-04T08:21:00.002-04:00

Well, summer was nice while it lasted. It seems funny to say that when the high today in the metro area is 92 degrees, but the Music Man went back to school yesterday, and his students start next week.

I'll post an update on our summer soon, but (obviously) things in my personal life have been just a tad rocky since the miscarriage. I'm mostly OK, thanks for all the prayers.

Anyhow, so when I was a kid,I loved shopping for new school supplies. Even rounding thirty, I still love to buy new pens and markers and notebooks. What can I say? That love dies hard.

But you know what the BEST school supply giveaway is? Mary over at Owlhaven is giving away a LAPTOP! Seriously!! Go see her and enter (or don't, if you want me to win). :)

Miscarriage

2009-07-11T06:42:00.003-04:00

I gave birth on Wednesday. For some unknown reason, my body pushed out my gestating babe, only 8 weeks developed. It happened in the usual way, I suppose. I started to bleed a bit, dealt with some severe cramping, and she was gone within hours. My grape-sized fetus held life-sized potential to her mama. I never got to see that little one, never got to hold her. I didn't get to give her a proper burial. Instead, she was washed away with all of the other waste I care not to think about.

And I wonder things, like did she hurt as she died? Did the angels rejoice to get my girl back after such a short time away? Did she get to hear the words upon her return that I've always wanted to hear, "Well done, good and faithful servant"?

I miss her acutely. I mourn the loss of who she would have been, who I'll never know that she was. I just miss her.

When One Door Closes, Another Opens

2009-06-27T07:39:00.002-04:00

So my gym is closing. As of Tuesday. I found out Monday night, so I got a week's notice, but you can imagine that along with everything else going on, I took the news hard.

Just a gym, you say? Well, perhaps. But the work I did at that gym changed me. I worked harder than I knew I was capable of. I did things I thought I was too scared to do. I pushed in ways I wasn't sure I could. I left gallons of sweat on that floor, steeled my will. I became closer to who I want to be in a year of consistent work. I showed myself that I was capable of disciplined steps toward my goal.

I made new friends, friends who have become so precious to me. I got out of my comfort zone in relationships, allowed people to teach me about vulnerability and trust. It's been an amazing year, and I know that, as I walk out after my Pilates class next week, I will cry. I will cry because I'll miss the sweat and the work. I will cry because I will miss those people who I have suffered and overcome with. I will cry in gratitude to the One who gave me that place, that growth, that strength.

Good News, Bad News

2009-06-19T12:56:00.001-04:00

Don't you love how things do that? One day, you are ecstatic over some wonderful thing that happens, then something stinky happens, and you almost allow it to threaten all your joy.

Well, first the bad news. I lost my job. I've done data collecting and entry since the Firecracker Princess was born. Tuesday, I got a Fed Ex letter that said they were eliminating the position company-wide as of July 31. The good part of that is that the Music Man has marching band starting at the end of July, so we should be ok for several months.

But the good news? We're expecting again! Yep, baby #4 is on his/her way, expected to make the debut late February/early March. We thought we'd actually get to celebrate the Joyful Babe's second birthday before we had another, but it looks like we'll miss it by a week or so. Oh well, we're excited about more babies to love and more to celebrate in our lives.

So while things are a little stressful, it is well. It is well.

I'm Here!

2009-06-10T19:12:00.003-04:00

I realize that it's been a few weeks since I've updated. In that time, I spent 30ish hours on a scrapbook for Ransomed Grace from her friends, went to Disney World, and made a pretty big discovery in my personal life. I'll share more about each of those soon.

For now, I'm trying to finish my assignment for RG tomorrow, and it's killer. She had me write a story in the style of Joseph (as in Genesis 36-50) where I'm Joe and my mom is his brothers. We're at page 15, and I'm almost finished. I feel like God told me yesterday that He wouldn't give me the end until tonight, so I'm waiting!

He's finally softening my heart, and guess what? I've cried TWICE in the last week. Woohoo!! This is a good thing!

That's about it for now, back to my homework. I'll write soon!

Song of My Heart

2009-05-22T15:27:00.002-04:00

I've always been a somewhat meloncholy person. I experience deep joy, to be sure, but I've always had a natural bent toward depression. Or so I thought.
Last night we didn't have small group, so I went to IHOP. I had an incredibly wrenching time there on Saturday afternoon with my friend Kate, and I wanted to hear more of what the Lord wanted to say to me. I hung out for about an hour and a half (which is not terribly long, given that it takes me anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours to get there, one way) and felt like it was time to go. Gathered my stuff, went out to the car, and turned on the radio as usual. Felt impressed to turn it off. Uhm, OK. I try to speak, and literally heard God say, "Just be quiet. No music, no Russian, no talking. Just listen for once".

Yikes. So I listen. It's a l-o-n-g drive home, but especially so when it's silent. However, I felt like the Lord was telling me about my tendency toward depression, and how it wasn't designed to be part of me.

Even though I only listen to Christian music, I tend toward the more contemplative, meloncholy. The be-bop songs like, "Free To Be Me"? "Oh Happy Day"? Notsomuch.

God's been talking to be quite a bit about how who I am is not who I think I am, and this meloncholy streak is part of it. Other people who know me well, who know my heart, see me as enthusiastic. I know, I know, it's totally weird. However, in this process I have to believe that they know more about me than I do, especially since we're all hearing the same great big God.

One song that's really been blowing me away lately is "Oh How He Loves Us", the Kim Walker song I referenced last time. The song is great, but hearing her speak is amazing. Just wait til she gets going, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about here!

Rest and Crowns

2009-05-21T09:49:00.003-04:00

I met with Ransomed Grace last night at our church instead of at her house because she's facilitating a class there that would conflict just a bit time wise with our normal meeting time. I was surprised at just how comfortable I was there, in the lobby on sofas, instead of the comfy cocoon of her home. Must be that I just feel safe with her. The work is hard, but it's good. It's really good.

This morning I decided to skip the gym. I know, I can't believe it either. However, my hip flexors are killing me again, and I really can't take myself totally out of the game here. Had we gone, I wouldn't have seen the sweet thing I'm about to relate to you.

The Joyful Babe got ahold of the Firecracker Princess' Sleeping Beauty tiara. She knew what it was, knew where it went, and tried to get it on her little head. She couldn't seem to do it, though. She played with it a few minutes, turned it over and over in her chubby little hands. I could see how beautiful it would look on her, how frustrated she was in her attempts to crown herself. She chewed on it a few minutes, then eventually abandoned to chew on some crayons instead.

How often do I do this? Give up my crown as a princess because I can't affix it myself, because I'm too busy, afraid, tired, or lazy to ask my Daddy to do it for me? How often do I abandon my pursuit as the King's own child to follow something easier? I felt a little tug at my heart watching JB, for I knew how gorgeous my daughter would look in her crown. I knew that, were she to let me put it on her little head, that she would be a vision of lovliness, called into her destiny. Instead she chose to chew on wax, and it doesn't satisfy.

Lord, today I want what You have for me. I want to walk into the destiny You've set before me, leaving absolutely nothing of my inheritance on the table. I want to be Your daughter first, before anything else. I want to identify with the royalty that is Christ, be clothed in His garments of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. In Jesus' name. Amen!!

The Most Meandering Post I've Probably Ever Written

2009-05-17T07:01:00.004-04:00

Have you heard of a worship leader named Misty Edwards? I was initially VERY cautious about listening to her music because of her friendship with Todd Bentley, who gives me extreme pause (to put it mildly). However, yesterday my friend Kate and I went to IHOP and something amazing happened.

Ransomed Grace asked me to read a ten-page teaching on the jealous heart of God, and I decided to spend my time at IHOP working on it. It prompted me to ask the Lord where I struggled in each area he brought up. I wrote in my notes that the teaching said, "This one characteristic of jealousy alone (that He is jealous over us when we put something else in first place) should show us just how special we are to God". Immediately, within literally 5 seconds, the worship leader changed to a song called "How He Loves Us", a Kim Walker song, which opens with, "He is JEALOUS for me". OK, so God had my attention.

Later, I was working on the question of, "Lord, why did You make me"? As I began to meditate on that, she started to sing, "The one thing I know, I was made for Your love" (the teaching says we are made to be in relationship with Him).

Now I'm REALLY paying attention.

After IHOP and lunch, Kate and I went to get her hair cut and colored. It took almost FOUR HOURS. Seriously. Anyhow, so she gave me her iPhone for me to make friends with (LOVE), and had me listen to some Misty Edwards.

It's called Dove's Eyes, whose lyrics in whole are these:

I don't want to talk about You like You're not in the room
I want to look right at You I want to sing right to You

I believe that You are listening
I believe that You move at the sound of my voice

Give me dove's eyes
Give me undistracted devotion for only You.

Have you ever thought about that before? How we talk about Him like He's not in the room, like He's not EVERYWHERE? I know how I hate being talked about like I'm not in the room, how much worse must that be for the Lord? Sigh.

Right now He's doing some stuff in me, and I feel like I want to rip off my skin. Not literally, of course, as I'm not a self-injurer. So I was asking Him what that feeling means, and he said that my old skin doesn't FIT anymore, and that I feel like I have to get out of it. Then I realized just how much all of this is going to hurt, more than I've prepared myself for. I've been begging Him to give me back the full weight of my emotions since my affect has been somewhat hollow, but in that moment, I asked Him to close my heart off just a little, so I could keep on, you know, breathing. It helped me see just how double-minded I can be, even when I haven't realized it.

Off for a quick neighborhood run before a shower and church. :)

Just Another Brick in the Wall

2009-05-12T08:34:00.003-04:00

Do you have a wall? I have lots of them, and they seem to be boxing me in these days. You know, a brick wall. The thing that if you're running hard and fast enough toward will make you bounce when you hit the ground.

I know some of the ways God works. One of those ways is that your walls all come together at the corners. They grow so tall you can't scale them, so thick you can't shatter them, so dense that no one can hear you cry for help. Well, almost no one. There comes a time when the Lord needs you to turn to Him so deeply that He'll let your own stuff hurt you so you'll look up, press in, move on. I am in this place.

I have built some amazing walls, if I do say so myself. Each brick is crafted with care, inscribed with its particular hurt or wrong. I mortared them myself too, with amazing precision. They're solid, those bricks of mine. But now I'm in a place where they're ready to come down. I hear people calling to me to fellowship with them, and I can't get out. I hear the sounds of the life I'm called to have faint in the distance, and I want to run there. Except I can't because of these darn walls.

The only way out of this mess is to let God break down the walls, break down my heart, melt the hard places. It's not fun. It's not glamorous, it's not even really all that fascinating to anyone who isn't in it with me (though it seems that RG has endless amounts of self to invest into this process, which I find bewildering as really, I'm just not that interesting). But it's good. It's sweet to feel God's pleasure as I walk through it. It's sweet to have friends affirm small changes as they see them. It's sweet to know that my relationship with the Lord is growing deeper roots.

"For who despises the day of small things?" Zechariah 4:10

And a friend's favorite verse,
"Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." Zechariah 9:12

I am, you are, we are forever and always PRISONERS OF HOPE!

Oh crap

2009-05-11T10:15:00.002-04:00

That's pretty much all I can say about my life right now. I'm hanging on.

I've been dealing with some sports injuries and, upon receiving some counsel from fitness professionals, decided to cut my workouts by 50%. It about killed me. Not only did it about kill be, but I've gained SIX POUNDS in THREE WEEKS. My clothes don't fit. I look radically different. I've lost strength and endurance.

Clearly this is not going to work for me. I will lose two hours of workouts this week for more important reasons (Music Man has a concert and am visiting a grieving friend), but otherwise there are no excuses. I'm approaching my 1-year anniversary of beginning my weight loss journey on June 2, and I was hoping to be at my final goal by then. That's not going to happen, especially as that's the day we return from WDW, but I'd like to be able to say I achieved SOMETHING in this 12 months.

Next, I'm not pregnant. We aren't trying, and for the first 24 hours that I thought I might be, I freaked out. Then God RADICALLY changed my heart. I was so sure I was pregnant because of that 180 degree turnaround that the MM and I picked out names. Seriously. And now I'm not. Part of me is glad, part of me is heartbroken. All of my has learned that thinking I have any control over the whole process is just foolish and requires repentance. It would've been hard either way.

Finally, Ransomed Grace has me doing work that feels impossible. Truly impossible. She's had me write statements on what I believe about myself (good and bad), as well as things I'm afraid of, things I doubt. We discussed them, and then worked together on a few truth statements to stand against them. The ones we did together were hard enough, but to do them on my own seems ludicrous. Needless to say, I'm putting a call in to her later today, but I just don't like where I am right now. Not in the least.

All that to say, I'm being quiet. I'm trying to process and trying to cry and just dealing with things as they come. Crap, this feels hard.

Does 30 Mean Old?

2009-05-04T09:07:00.003-04:00

здравствулте!

I turn 30in about 24 weeks, and have felt lately that I am too old to learn anything overly complicated anymore. Silly me. So far in my 29th year I have ALMOST finished my fitness certification, gotten a new tattoo, and decided to take up a third language. I minored in Spanish in college. I actually tested into graduate (500) level courses as an 18 year old, so I have a gift for at least THAT language (though I'm terribly rusty now). :)

So what lanugage did I choose? Well. It's interesting to want to learn something new and not have a real need to choose a particular one. When I thought about possibilities, I considered Portuguese because there are so many Brazilian people in my church. Decided that was too close to Spanish.

Wasn't really interested in anything else, and then I thought about Ransomed Grace and how she just spent a decade in Russia. I realized that there were all these little pockets of that nation all over my heart, starting almost 20 years ago when I wrote a ten-page paper for Spectrum on Rasputin. My therapist in high school adopted her son from Russia and had taken some basic Russian; I remember her writing the characters for "telephone" on her yellow legal pad. When I managed ready-to-wear at Dillard's, many of my employees and one of my colleagues were Russian. Of course now I have Ransomed Grace in my life, and I haven't asked her outright, but I don't think she'd mind terribly to be my conversation partner when I get to that point.

Honestly, she'll probably get a laugh out of my attempts. So for now,
до свидания!

Birthday "Cake"

2009-04-30T12:57:00.019-04:00

So Ransomed Grace's birthday is this weekend, and the Firecracker Princess caught me off guard Tuesday morning. We were sitting at the table having breakfast, and she asked me who the gift bag sitting next to me was for. I told her it was for RG, because her birthday was coming up. Her eyes lit up and she said, "Oh mommy, what kind of cake are you going to make for her?". Um, gulp. Weeeeellll, I hadn't really thought about it. Firstly, I've only known RG for a month. Secondly, she is a FANTASTIC cook, and it's sort of intimidating to cook for someone whose every dish gets highest praise. Thirdly, well, I just dropped the ball. My daughter didn't, though, and I'm so grateful.

After the FP asked what she'd like, I told her we'd send her an email and ask. RG responded pretty quickly, and we ran to the store to get the things to make a dark chocolate New York style cheesecake. We came home and got our aprons on (though the CCM doesn't have one yet, so he just made a CRAZY mess of his shirt). I got everything out grabbed the camera, and we documented our journey to make a little book for RG.

Here are the pictures, and the text of the book we made:

Kids and Cake:
How it all comes together

Made with love by the Firecracker Princess
and the Chubby Cheeked Monster
(and we guess mom helped, too)
Special thanks to the Joyful Babe for sleeping during the making of this project.

Hi Ransomed Grace! We're so excited to make your birthday cheesecake; my brother couldn't keep his hands off of the chocolate. We wanted to show you how we did it!

Here's mom in her apron. Didn't I do a good job taking her picture? She says it's the only time you'll probably ever see her without makeup.

CCM's laughing because he knows a) mom still has her eyebrows drawn on and
b) there will be batter for obedient children to enjoy. Yay!

Momma and I in our aprons. Mine is red because it's my favorite color (ElleBee made it for me, along with my chef hat). CCM wanted to take pictures, but I wanted to get started on the cheesecake!

Here's our recipe. Mom had to read it, but we guess she put in the right stuff.

She makes us line up all the ingredients before we start, something about trying to make a carrot cake without carrots once. Silly mom.

A new pan, mom says that thing on the side is a "hinge". We picked green because it's the CCM's favorite color.

We washed our hands (with soap). Momma said you might not like the taste of 2- and 4-year-old fingers in your cake. Or 29-year-old fingers; she washed her hands too!

Mom pressed the crust into the pan while we ate the extra crumbs. Cookies with melted butter, yum!

We use only the finest ingredients, and our QA department is second to none. This cream cheese passes muster. Does yours, CCM?

Hmm, I think I'll need to try another sample. Yes, yes, I think this will do quite nicely. You may proceed.

We let mom put it into the oven because it's hot in there. We wanted to grab some spoons and dig in, but she said it's a surprise for you.

What's up with these dirty dishes? It's a good thing I'm a kid and can't wash them. Daddy will clean them right up when he gets home. Baking is a family affair in our household. Yay daddy!

Can I give you a birthday hug? No? Aww, man!

What about a birthday kiss, then? My sister already went to get cleaned up, but I'm happy to fill in for her!

OK, here it is with the toppping on. We hope that you enjoyed seeing us bake your cake, and we hope that it's tasty. Thanks for being so wonderful to our mom, she loves you a lot. Happy birthday!

We had so much fun with this little project, and even I have to admit that the cheesecake was tasty (RG and I cut into it RIGHT away when I got there yesterday). We love you, Ransomed Grace!

Shame

2009-04-26T22:31:00.002-04:00

Sigh. I told you all a little while ago that Ransomed Grace asked me to do a piece on the things for which I bear shame. While I'll spare you most of them, there was one that was really hard for me, and these four things all seem to flow into one another. I can't remember a time when I felt anything other than fat, ugly, unwanted, and unloveable. I know, I know. But really, I know I'm not the only one who feels that way, it's just hard to say aloud.

Anyhow, that's totally not the point. God has sent the hounds of heaven after me on this one. I told a few people that are precious to me about feeling this way (Ransomed Grace, Prisoner of Hope, Ginger, and my Elijah House small group, and of course the Music Man), and He will not let it go. Just today I had four people stop me and tell me how lovely/radiant/beautiful I looked. OK, weird. It's like some big conspiracy of grace. But what I realized is this:

Most of the time, upon hearing God's truth, I find myself saying, "Yes, but..." instead of "Yes, Lord".

That is all.

Broken

2009-04-25T23:10:00.002-04:00

I was talking with Prisoner of Hope the other night, and she said something so quietly profound to me. I told her about how I've been begging God to just break me down, that my heart has no other cry these days. He has been so amazing in this process so far, exposing me to yet protecting me from so much. Anyhow, so PH said, "
When we ask to be broken, it's then that we want God's heart and His face more than we want His hand". So true. I just want His face, His heart, His presence.

From a Mountain to Ebenezer Stones

2009-04-23T08:49:00.003-04:00

God's faithfulness never ceases to amaze me, never.

Ransomed Grace asked me to work on an assignment a couple of weeks ago meditating on Deut. 1:6, then asking God what mountain I need to move on from.

He spoke very clearly when He told me that it's a mountain of hatred. He told me to take His hand, and that soon enough I'd forget that terrifying first step from the summit. He told me what I was afraid of; being left alone, the fear of man and of circumstance.

I heard Him and wanted to believe, but told Him right back that I was afraid that if I tore down this self-made mountain, I'd have nothing to remind me of my childhood. That it was my life's work. That I'd lose my identity, and that I didn't know how to be successful at anything else.

Well. So, being God and all, He tells me that He wants to tear that puppy down and resurrect Ebenezer stones in its place. I didn't really understand how, since I didn't have any particular memories of Him in my life before I was a believer, but today I got my first one.

I went to Catholic high school, and had a four-day, three-night retreat my senior year called Kairos (sacred time). I found some of the materials we had from it, and each talk included "take aways" and one or two songs. Looking through most of the songs, they were standard Top 40 fare, but there were two that struck me. One is "On My Knees", a Nicole C . Mullen song that I just adore. The second is "Love Song for a Savior", which I posted a YouTube link to on this very blog some months ago.

Prisoner of Hope prophesied over me the other night, and the verses below seemed so very appropriate. Gotta love a three-strand cord. I know, and more than I know, I believe, that God conspires to do good to and for those who love Him.

Thank you, Lord. For your goodness, your faithfulness to me. I'm so thankful that not only are You for me now, You were for me then. You're so faithful that you'd give me a stone before I did my part to tear down my mountain. Now I feel safe enough to start, knowing that You will replace my broken fortress with a foundation of sapphires. Thank You.

Isaiah 54:11-12 (The Message)
Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied:
I'm about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
Lay your foundations with sapphires,
construct your towers with rubies,
Your gates with jewels,
and all your walls with precious stones.

The Power of the Tongue, The Power of the Cross

2009-04-22T12:40:00.003-04:00

Prov 18:21 says, "The power of death and life is in the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit".

Lately I've been discovering how true this is. My nasty words to my precious friend killed something, something in her and something in our relationship. However, our reconciliation brought new life to our relationship and started to heal some long-wounded places in both our hearts, thanks be to God.

After she and I had reconciled, a non-believer said something really unkind about me in the reconciled friend's presence. I am so, so thankful that the Lord had convicted me about my words with a believing friend before this happened, because I would have straight up eviscerated this girl (we'll call her Tracy). So did I screw up with Tracy like I did RF (reconciled friend)? Happy to say that I didn't. Instead, I paused and threw up a desperate prayer, finding out later that RF was praying in the corner because she heard what Tracy said to me. You gotta love that faithfulness on her part. I responded kindly for once, and asked Tracy's forgiveness for inciting her to anger.

The cross was there to bring RF and I back together. It would not have been there for Tracy and I, as opposed as she is to the things of God. I'm still totally sick that I messed up so badly with RF, but it's so incredible to watch God make beauty of my mess. And if He can do that in these small things, who am I to believe that He won't do it in the big hurts of my life? The things I don't like to think about, much less talk about.

God is starting to deal with my heart toward people in my family, and it is hard. I don't like this work. I'm thankful that I have Jesus with skin on in Ransomed Grace to walk me though it, because otherwise I wouldn't be bold enough to start. Y'all, I'm scared. I'm afraid of this pain, of the shame, of the possible rejection on all sides. But He who began this good work in me will bring it to completion, in that I trust. I just wish it were faster! :)

Constancy

2009-04-21T06:37:00.003-04:00

So there's this quality of God that is so wonderful to me, that "He is" (hence the tattoo). He's constant. He can't help but be who He is because, well, that's His nature. He is good, so good. So holy, so amazing, so wonderful (thank you, Ransomed Grace, for this homework. It's speaking for me right now). :)

But me? I'm not so constant. In fact, the sails of my little emotional ship have been all over the place today. Ransomed Grace and I have actually touched on this a bit, this whole being emotion-led thing. Allow me to illustrate.

Sunday, I was talking to someone after church. This person loves me. We haven't known each other for a super long time, but we're in relationship, and it's good. She and I chatted for a few minutes, she was hanging out with one of my babes for a bit, just general goodness. Right? I'm working on a project and needed some feedback, so I asked said friend about it. She got back to me, and I was glad to see that, but the response felt a bit brusque. Well thought out, but not generally as warm a response as I'd get from her. So what did I allow to happen to my emotional state?

Well, it's not as though I was angry, and I wasn't sad. But I did start to think about what happened both Sunday and yesterday and wonder if there was something that I said or did that made her feel like I was being pushy, or if maybe I had misread something and she only SORTA loved me, like it would change with whichever way the wind blew.

Tonight as I was getting ready to have my quiet time, I reread the message I got from her earlier. And thereit was, right at the end. The little affirmation that I had been missing, the one that told me I was still loved. It was before my eyes all the time, I just didn't see it for whatever reason.

Besides being humbled and realizing just how much I had let this affect my little heart all afternoon, I figured this out. She had been loving me all day. Nothing happened between yesterday and today that changed her heart toward me. While I was being blown about by the winds, she was constant.

It's a good lesson, yes? A lesson about building my house upon the Rock. A lesson about the character of God, and therefore the character of people who love God and seek to be transformed into the image of Christ.

Whose love don't I trust, then? That of the Great I Am? Hers? Mine? All of the above? I'll let you know once I figure it out.

New Furniture!

2009-04-20T09:21:00.003-04:00

We have needed (desperately) a new sofa and chair for some time. The ones we had were 7-15 years old (handed down in practically new condition from in-laws). Well, with three kids and a slightly-lazy-about-food-in-the-living-room mom, they got bad fast. Plus, our living room is a weird shape, and a full-sized sofa is just too big for the room. So we donated the sofa, moved the chair into the Princess' room until I can recover it for her, and went to World Market. Do you have them around you? I love that place. They had a 25% off coupon for furniture, so I was able to get a $700 sleeper loveseat for $450 (it was already $100 off). We figured a full-size sleeper was a good option since we've run out of bedrooms for guests!

We also bought this chair:

We'd like to get a small chair to add a bit more seating, since the chaise and the sofa are all for the main seating. We're also thinking of ditching the coffee table and getting some padded ottomans for add'l seating when needed. Any thoughts on this? I really love a touch of leather in a living room.

I'm excited, we were able to take it all home in my in-laws Jeep and avoid the whole $200 delivery thing and get it set up immediately. Love!

Forgiven and Free

2009-04-17T14:51:00.002-04:00

This song is an amazing reminder of the thing I tend to forget most. In doing all this hard emotional work, I often forget my joy, forget my inheritance as His child. And frankly, it's more than sad, it's sinful. Rather than getting all morose about my own sinfulness yet AGAIN, let's just take a moment to recognize how GOOD He is. Forgiven and Loved might help (and sorry for the graphic picture, don't know why it starts since that's near the end of the song). Happy Friday!

Break Me Down

2009-04-15T08:16:00.004-04:00

Sensitive. Have you ever been called the "sensitive" one? In our culture, it has such a negative connotation. I remember being told that I was too sensitive from early on. And the truth of the matter was that I was, and still am. I have a really precious friend, Prisoner of Hope, who is this way too and, because I don't want her to connote her heart with something so negative, I've taken to calling her "tender". And I think this is really a better descriptor.

These days, my heart is feeling really tender, too. I wake up exhausted emotionally, spiritually, and physically. The cry of my heart has been the lyrics of the Tenth Avenue North song, "Break Me Down". For so many years I've hardened and protected this heart from the barrage of heartache in the world. Now, years of building tidal waves seem to be crashing over me, and I'm just trying to hang on. I know that after a while things will get easier, especially as I allow the balm of Gilead to pour into these cracked places. But for now, it hurts. I want to be the sort of woman that runs to the Lord when things get hard, but this feels like it's a long process of hurt and surrender for me.

Tonight I meet with Ransomed Grace, and while I'm excited, I'm anticipating hard work and perhaps tears. I don't cry in front of people much, and especially virtual strangers (though this stranger already loves me, I remind myself). Without further ado, here's my anthem

Break Me Down by Tenth Avenue North

Yeah, I feel You fallin'
Like the rain against my skin
And I hear You calling
Your voice like thunder in my head
But now I am stallin'
Cuz I'm afraid to let you in
Yeah, come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours, You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me

(Won't You break me down, breaking me down)

I feel it inside me
I feel You underneath my skin
These walls could not hide me
They could not keep You from coming in
So now here You find me
Right back to where I began
Oh, come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours. You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me down

(break me down, oh oh, come and break me down)

Cuz I need your strength to feel this weak
I need your touch to fill my need
I need your strong hands to carry me
Take me, break me, set me free

Cuz I need your strength to feel this weak
I need your touch to fill my need
I need your strong hands to carry me
Take me, bring me to my knees

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours. You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Come and break me down
Come and break me down
Yeah, won't You break me down

Over and Underneath

2009-04-13T06:50:00.004-04:00

Do you own this Tenth Avenue North album? Because if you don't, you need to buy it, like pronto.

These guys seem to have a real anointing, an ability to speak for the Lord both gently and profoundly. They speak words that are a balm to a ragged spirit.

Last week was deeply painful for me. First there was the whole issue with my friend, then I met with Ransomed Grace and got some really difficult assignments. One question she asked has me twisting inside, but I know that I know that I know that God told me to do whatever she asked of me. The assignment was to write about experiences for which I bear shame (and a different question of the things for which I have regret, but that's much easier). It's really, really hard to read aloud the things for which I bear shame, but I'm sure I'll do it on Wednesday. My friend John's sister is dying and is desperately far from the Lord, and it breaks my heart to watch him ache for her. She literally may not make it through the day. And of course yesterday was Easter, the holiday which I think is most painful. Not only does it bring to bear just how much God loves us, but also just how profoundly I have failed Him.

But how could I be depressed when I hear this song, I ask you? It's such a sweet reminder of what He believes of me!

Africa, Russia, and the Mouse

2009-04-11T23:57:00.002-04:00

When the Music Man and I learned how much our tax refund would be this year, we hemmed and hawed over what to do. First we decided to go to Disney World again. Then we decided to not go and get the house painted. Then we decided NOT to and rescheduled the WDW trip. THEN I felt like the money wasn't for us and that we were to obey whatever the Lord told us to do with it. The SAME DAY that I told the Music Man I felt that way, he took the kids to small group (I skipped because I was reconciling with my friend. As an aside, my friend John says, that in reconciliation we have to be willing to go anywhere, at any time, to meet anyone for any reason for the cause of reconciliation. I hated to miss group, but reconciling was more important, and God really blessed that time).

Anyhow, so we have a friend in our small group who is taking a 12-week mission trip to Africa, and had half her money raised. He felt burdened to give her the rest from our tax refund and called to ask what I thought. I said if he felt that's what we needed to do, to go for it. It was bittersweet. I was overjoyed to be used for Kingdom purposes, but I really wanted to take the kids to Disney World. Selfish much?

Anyhow, so we surrendered the dream and canceled the trip. I felt like we were supposed to give another chunk of money to some missionaries who are setting up house in this country again after some time. They're not well known by us, but precious nonetheless (you know how God likes to do that, right? Knit hearts together in big crazy tangles you could never unravel even if you tried? That's what He's done here).

And do you know what God did? He let us find a way to take the trip. We shortened the days, we switched things around, but we're still going. And do you know what the MM said to me? He said that he felt like the money was used in a much better way now that we got to bless some people with it, and he's thrilled that the Lord would bless us with a trip. How wonderful all around, I'm just so thankful.

Happy Easter!

The Broken Road

2009-04-11T23:19:00.002-04:00

I blogged on Thursday about how I was going to spend some time reconciling with someone precious to me, and figured I'd update. Thursday was really a pretty perfect day. I felt like the Lord told me to fast, so I did. Since I was up at 4 am, I prayed until 6 or so, then decided to take a nap at 8:30. Woke up at 10:30, when the Music Man took all the kids on a hike. They got home and I had to leave for the International House of Prayer (hereafter known as IHOP) with my friend Susan. It was two hours of getting to soak in the Lord's presence, and He spoke a ton.

It took a bit over an hour to get home, then I had half an hour to change and grab some clothes to go to meet my friend. She and I only ended up having about twenty minutes to talk because of other obligations, but the time we did have was so sweet. I got to say what I needed to say, felt like she did, and truly felt like the Holy Spirit was there to be balm for both our hearts. We realized that it had gotten really out of hand, and came to an agreement that if we had issues like that again, we'd talk in person right away instead of taking 10 miserable days and sending emails back and forth.

After we talked, I decided to hit a dance class at the gym, because after such a sweet day with the Lord, I wanted to DANCE! My friend Pam has instilled this dance love in me. Even though I'm still kinda terrible, I've come to appreciate the things that my body can do. On my way out of the gym, I saw the friend I'd just reconciled with, and we chatted. Then she called me on the way home, just because she loves me and wanted to. Isn't that sweet?

I am such a proponent of reconciliation. It's so, so hard, but worth so much. God works in those painful places and strengthens bonds. I'm so thankful to both the Lord and my friend for walking that ground with me. It is holy, that work. It is sweet.

Do You Like?

2009-04-10T07:22:00.002-04:00

So what do you think of my new blog design? The immeasurably talented ElleBee did it for me. Isn't it fantastic? Really, I gasped with glee and clapped like a little girl when I saw it. Love. Thanks, Elle. Or Bee. Whatever nickname you prefer in the blogosphere. Smooches.

I Screwed Up

2009-04-09T04:56:00.003-04:00

Big time. I mean like royally. Sigh.

I have this friend, Prisoner of Hope. She and I have been in relationship for about 10 months, but it's one of this dive-deep friendships, a total divine appointment. The last Monday of March, I asked a question about something she did in front of people that she said shamed her. I will say that my motivation was pure (to my mind), and that I was seeking clarification, but that doesn't change how she felt about it. She didn't let me know until this past Monday. And did I react in humility, befitting a Christian woman? Did I, with no thought to my own offense, ask for her forgiveness?

Well, not exactly.

Yeah, instead I acted like a trapped and wounded animal. I lashed out. She's EXTREMELY sensitive, and I let her have it. However, I was crafty enough to do it in ways that sounded sweet and innocent enough. She knew, though. She knew that my words were designed to be daggers, and they had the desired effect.

I've been in knots about this since Monday. Yesterday I met with Ransomed Grace and explained to her again why I was right and my friend was wrong and this was all silly. You know what happened? She quietly told me about the humble way her husband reacts to these situations. Not how pious her own heart is, but how he reacts in a godly and loving way. After I left her house, I went to the gym. After sweating it out and processing for a bit, I realize that she was right, and as a correllary, how sickly wrong I had been.

On the way home, I called PH. I left her a voice mail just to tell her that I can't imagine the ways she must've been hurt for her to react the way that she did, and I was so sorry to be another person to wound an already scarred heart. Told her that whatever I felt, I was wrong because this was about HER. And you know what? It is. She came to me in humility, letting me know that I'd hurt her. She wanted to reconcile, but I was more interested in being right.

My friend Tim used to say, "You can be right or you can have relationships, but you can't have both". I can honestly say that I never understood what that meant until last night. Wow did it sting when I did!

So it's now just after 5 am, and I got up a while ago to pray. Tonight at 6:30 EST I'm meeting with my friend to work on reconciliation. Please pray that this time goes well. At the end of the day, I want her in my life more than I want to be right. Isn't that what it's all about, after all?

New Tattoo

2009-04-06T07:05:00.003-04:00

Saturday my friend Kathryn and I went to Psycho Tattoo to get a new tattoo for me. I've wanted one since the Firecracker Princess was born, but I've always been pregnant or nursing. Well, the Joyful Babe is now 13 months old, and only nurses twice a day so I decided to go for it.

Here it is:

If you're wondering what it is, exactly, allow me to explain. From the bottom up, it says, "I Am", which is my favorite name of God. He always was, and is therefore the foundation. Then the Jesse tree, which originally showed the lineage of Christ. The roots include people like Abraham, Isaac, Jesse, David, and Solomon. Jesus is the trunk, as a shoot from the stump of Jesse. The dove in the branches is the Holy Spirit, and the green leaves are representative of the new life offered to all through His propitious death. It's good, right? Got the whole trinity in there in order. Eh, I like it at least. :)

You Bring Me to My Knees...

2009-03-31T13:21:00.004-04:00

...I'll give you everything!*

Since I met with Ransomed Grace last Wednesday, I've felt a renewed passion to figure this Christianity thing out. I got saved in '05, but in the last (almost) 4 years, I've been missing something.

Last night, I figured out what it is.

Two of my assignments were a belief statement about the character of God, as well as an introspection essay on what I allow to keep me from having an intimate relationship with God. I was reading through my work for both last night, and realized that I only know Jesus perfunctorily. I know Him like I know a new friend, not in the deep way that makes you give your life for someone. Not in the way you'd talk to someone who knows you thoroughly. I don't try to keep in touch.

I have violated the greatest commandment. Jesus said to him, “‘you shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.’ This is the first and great commandment. And the second is like it: ‘You shall love your neighbor as yourself.’ On these two commandments hang all the Law and the Prophets.”
(Matthew 22:37 – 40)

It got me to thinking. What would my day look like if I were seeking to first please the Lord? How would I rise each morning? Spend my free time? Order my gym time, family time, quiet time? How often would I talk to Him? I don't have those answers yet, but for the first time last night, I realized that I truly believed intimacy with Him was actually possible for ME. In a while I plan to call RG and confess this to her, get her thoughts, and see if I have more assignments from this revelation.

How sad that it took me this long. And how faithful God is that He'd try to teach me again, after all this time, to just love Him. Just love Him.

*That's a Vineyard Music song called, "More Than Ever".

Who Is Your Favorite?

2009-03-30T15:57:00.003-04:00

Did you ever ask your parents that? "Mom, who do you love the best"? I asked that question once, but knew from the response that it wasn't an ok question.

I know that I only asked because I wanted to be assured that I was loved in the first place, which is its own problem. But with God, we're ALL His favorite. How sweet is that? That notion never sat well with me, but my friend Kate used to say all the time, "I'm an SO God's favorite today", with genuine joy. Some time later I came to the realization that since He is no respecter of persons, that had to be true. Sweet! So I AM God's favorite!

Last night we had a night of worship at my church. Worship leaders from several local Vineyard churches lead, and it was amazing. The best part? So many people I loved were there! Above-mentioned Kate was able to come and brought three girls with her. Ransomed Grace that I mentioned in my last post sat with her husband right in front of me. My friend Prisoner of Hope and her husband came and sat behind. A woman named Lu was there, and it was so sweet to see and talk with her. John and Ginger were there, as were Walt and another friend, Susan. I was surrounded by this big circle of love, and I thought my heart might burst.

Ps 139:5, "You hem me in, before and behind, Your sovereign hand is upon me."

Amen and amen.

Where Do You Go?

2009-03-27T14:10:00.003-04:00

Do you have a place you go to get away with God? I don't. I tried making a reading corner in the living room that was just for me, but the children sit there all the time and leave their VSmile, etc., in the way which totally ruins it for me. Even if they didn't leave it, I think about all the other things I "should" be doing, like mopping the floor or starting dinner, and totally can't focus.

My friend Susan goes for a hike. I hate bugs, cold, heat, weather conditions, you get the picture. I love a beautiful sunset and all, but at the end of the day, I'm a gym girl through and through. That said, something has to change. I don't mind that I feel like I have to leave my house to get alone with God, but I don't have a place where I feel like I can go, what with disliking parks and all.

When I met with Ransomed Grace on Wednesday, she challenged me to make time for quiet time every single day until we meet again. Yesterday I made an effort at starting the homework she gave me, but then realized that's really not quiet time. How in the world is that supposed to look? I mean, I know there's no formula, but there's a general guideline, right? Something like, "listen to a few worship songs, pray a bit, read a bit, sit quietly and let Him talk", maybe?

You know where I get the most alone time? In the car. Living in the Atlanta metro area, pretty much everywhere I go except the gym and the grocery store takes thirty minutes or more. Church is almost an hour each way, so is small group. The Music Man works fully 45 minutes from home. That's our "normal". I love that time when I'm driving somewhere and have all that time to listen to music, listen for God. If only I could do that every day! Plus, RG is big into journaling, and I can't exactly wield a pen and manage the wheel at the same time.

Any ideas for this gal? This is something I desperately want to get right, and I haven't been able to in nearly four years!

How Good is God?

2009-03-25T22:59:00.004-04:00

This is a long-ish story, but here goes. When Elijah House ended, I felt like God was telling me that I needed to start a post-abortion ministry at my church. HELLOOOOOOO. So. Not. Ready. For. That. But at the same time, I told one of my Elijah House prayer team about it, and she recommended talking to a missionary returning after a decade on the field who ran such a ministry abroad for quite a few years. It was a 100% confirmation of what I felt the Lord told me to do. Isn't He good?

They came home about a month ago, and I was afraid to talk with her, we'll call her Ransomed Grace. We all know that I'm not all that great at talking to strangers, but I felt like I had to do it. God told me clearly that I was supposed to see if she'd prayerfully consider counseling me through the abortion issue, given her experience in the field. That was 2 weeks ago. Sunday, she said yes, and that we should meet today. Isn't He good?

I was nervous about tonight. RG is a virtual stranger. She lives an hour away. I left my house at 4 and, because of the rain in the Atlanta area and afternoon traffic, got to her house 5:20, 20 minutes past our appointed time. To quote Olympia Dukakis in "Mr. Holland's Opus", "What an auspicious beginning".

RG challenged me. She challenged me in my relationship with my mother, with my relationship with God, my husband, myself. She gave me homework (LOVE), called me on my crap (double love). She let me know that she's in this with me for the long haul, even said that we're not in a hurry and was talking in periods of months.

Now, my heart isn't accustomed to being accepted like that, and certainly not used to someone who doesn't know me inviting me into her home, sharing her story, walking me through something so hard and making it clear that she was not going to leave me alone. I feel safe, loved, and important. Isn't He good?

Well, isn't He?

A Weighty Issue

2009-03-25T12:29:00.002-04:00

As in, mine. The scale hasn't moved, I'm still at 136ish. Again, that's higher than the recommended weight range for my height, and I feel the need to drop at least 10 lbs, preferably 15 to 20. But what I hadn't counted on was this size thing.

A couple of months ago, I bought some pants in a size 6 at my favorite thrift store (2 pair, one each from the Gap and Bass). I try them on about once a week to keep myself accountable. Today, the Bass pants fit fine, comfortably even. The Gap ones button and zip, no muffin top, but I'd like to drop another 4 lbs or so before they're truly comfortable.

And I am astounded. My weight hasn't changed, but I have gotten smaller. And I still feel like the fat girl. Four people have commented on my figure since Sunday, all of them saying I look good, and I can't so much believe them. My friend/instructor Pam asked if I was a size 2 yet. Not hardly, but she's a kindly soul, that one.

But again, I still don't feel different. Still don't feel like I belong at the gym. Still think people look at me when I eat a treat food in public.

For anyone who has lost a relatively large amount of weight, when does that change occur? When does your mind come around and realize that you're not the same size you were, and that maybe when men look at you, it's not in disgust? Sigh. I'll get there.

I'll get there.

Banging the Rust Off of the Old Pipes

2009-03-15T14:30:00.004-04:00

I've been busy and sick and stretched a bit thin the last couple of weeks and haven't had anything to write about. Or perhaps I have had things to write about, but have lacked the energy to make it all happen. This prompt has circled the internet for at least four years, but I'm finally doing the "I Am From" writing prompt.

I Am From

I am from dusty softball gloves, glass Pepsi bottles and ball park pickles.

I am from the farm house with no farm, no air conditioning, and no heat but the pot-bellied stove. From white antique wrought-iron beds and six layers of wallpaper. From Hoosier cabinets and well water and the garden down the hill. Empty chicken coops and a rusty grain silo and falling through the barn floor. Picking fresh blackberries from the bushes and exploring the creek for hours on my own, with an old ice cream pail holding my lunch and a book. Reading on the back porch swing with a blanket, and gathering there during especially violent thunderstorms. From the fresh, loamy smell and the brightest green this side of the Emerald Isle.

I am from the Black-Eyed Susans and Queen Ann's Lace, clover blankets, buckeyes and soybean fields down the hill.

I am from stubborn independence, from Herbert and Edna, and Rhoda and Emerson.

I am from bootstraps and responsibility, duty and daily chores.

From "every block has to have an alley" and "I never thought you'd be this much trouble".

I am from hard Sunday pews and a gregarious English preacher, gilded hymnals and thick, humid summers. Clanging coins on brass collection plates and half-pieces of Wrigley's Double Mint. Dresses on rotation and sticky, sweaty legs, burnt from vinyl car seats, permanent lines.

I am from Ohio, straddling the line between agriculture and blue-collar industry, sauerkraut and Uncle Steve's "recipe". A half-formed ancestry, father's side unknown.

From the time grandpa dressed up as the New Year's Baby, learning to tie my shoes with a pair of purple moccasins, and snapping beans until my fingers bled under the nail.

I am from a box of jumbled photographs, spared water damage by the grace of God. Smiling faces at seemingly random moments, fragments of the lives we wanted to appear we had. From pristine manuals, every detail preserved by Aunt Kay who, though childless, has birthed memories better than anyone else.

I am from the swirling tumult, the hazy days, the symphony and the noise. It comes with the breeze, but sticks like dandelion seeds. That's me.

Tidbits

2009-03-09T10:41:00.002-04:00

*This morning, the police showed up at my door at 7:30 am. APPARENTLY, my littlest called 911 SEVERAL times while I was making my hot water for cayenne tea. They were exceedingly kind and didn't reprimand me at all, as I expected. They looked around to see that we were ok, asked if anyone else was home, and left.

*At the moment, I am LOVING this time change. My children are going to bed at the same time, but got up at 8 am yesterday and 7:30 today. That's a nice change from 5:45-6:30. Will it last? Who knows, but I'm not complaining right now!

*Have you ever wondered about the song "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing"? Specifically the line, "Here I raise mine Ebenezer/Hither by thy help I'm come". Apparently it has to do with Samuel 7, and I'm working to figure out what my Ebenezer stones would be.

10 While Samuel was sacrificing the burnt offering, the Philistines drew near to engage Israel in battle. But that day the LORD thundered with loud thunder against the Philistines and threw them into such a panic that they were routed before the Israelites. 11 The men of Israel rushed out of Mizpah and pursued the Philistines, slaughtering them along the way to a point below Beth Car.

12 Then Samuel took a stone and set it up between Mizpah and Shen. He named it Ebenezer, [b] saying, "Thus far has the LORD helped us." 13 So the Philistines were subdued and did not invade Israelite territory again.

*I'm undertaking a colon cleanse and, while I'm excited about it, I'm a bit nervous. It's a long 90 day process (I could probably do it in 30 if I were willing to fast, but I'm not willing since I exercise so much and am still nursing).

*I also ordered some new gym clothes from Old Navy that are supposed to come, so I'll let you know what I think. They're one of the few to make pants in petites (even petite capris, woohoo), along with a couple of styles at Target, NY & Company, and a single style of Nike at REI.

I think that's all, almost time to get the kids dressed and head to my dance class at the gym!

Made With Love By ____________________

2009-03-06T13:29:00.002-05:00

Did anyone you know ever make you clothing and put one of those labels inside? My gram used to make me an Easter and a Christmas dress every year, and my music-in-law made my rehearsal dinner dress with a "Made with love by _____" label on the inside.

I have issues with owning things. I don't write inside books (ok, I'm starting to, a little, but it feels weird). I don't write my kids' names on the tags inside their coats. I keep EVERYTHING. I was thinking about this phenomenon in my life the other day in the car on the way to the gym. It hit me like a bolt of lightening, the realization that I am absolutely petrified.

I am afraid to ascribe something to myself because I am TERRIFIED of losing things. And by things, of course, I mean things that matter. My home, my children.

I was raised to know that I own nothing. I remember very clearly when I was in junior high, my mother told me to bring her HER yearbook. Really? Did you really own the pictures of thirteen-year-olds? Why would you even WANT to? It wasn't about owning the book. It was about lording power over me, letting me know my place. Letting me know that I was worth so little that a book with my own picture in it didn't belong to me.

Years later when I was in my 20s but still childless, I went to a friend's house and heard her tell her son that he didn't own some toy of his. It wasn't malicious, he was being a little smart and silly and she was letting him know, but it made me immediately nauseous. The thought of telling my children that their things are mine just seems wrong to me. Firstly because it teaches them nothing about caring for their things. Secondly because it teaches them nothing of stewardship. I don't want to teach them that first their things are God's, then mine, and THEN they might get to claim some stake. And of course practically, if I own it all then it's my job to clean it all, put it all away, keep it in good working order, etc. I don't have time in my life for that.

I am so, so afraid of God. Terribly so, specifically that He would just randomly snatch away all that is "mine". I attribute this fear to my mother's iron-fisted will to control everyone but herself. I don't know if that was or is the truth of her character, but it sure felt like it to me. I've always lived with the pervasive sense that I should have just been grateful that she didn't abort me and that anything over survival was a blessing bestowed by her on someone as worthless as me.

I'm working through a range of emotions right now (obviously). Some lovely, some horrible, and all intense. I have a friend in my life who is moving to another level of intimacy, and it's nice. I adore her, she's just the cat's pajamas. She loves me too, and it's good. She's showing me that I don't have to perform perfectly for her to love me, and even loves my efforts. She's challenging me to develop some areas that I feel weak in, just for the joy of it and for God's good pleasure. It is blessed. But then there are those feelings from my childhood that bubble up like tar and threaten to explode on the prgoress I've made.

I'm also having dreams about all of the people I need to forgive. How sweet and gentle of God to bring them to mind in such a safe way. A couple of weeks ago I didn't do any work toward it, and God brought this person to me in a second dream, as if to say, "Babe, I showed you what to do. Please do your part, too".

See how gentle He is? See how irrational my fear is? I've often said that we as the body of Christ have lost a healthy fear of the Lord. I still think that's true, but I'm no better. I'm just the opposite, seeing damnation around every corner.

So today, Lord please show me what a healthy fear looks like. Though each day is a surprise gift, when I say, "I PLAN to do X" is really just fear speaking from my heart, not a respect for Your awesome power. And please use just a tiny bit of that power to allow this woman to touch the hem of your garment and be healed from years of wretchedness.

"Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace."

Happy Birthday Littlest!

2009-03-02T08:26:00.001-05:00

Today, my littlest child turns one. A year old already! My sunshine girl, my precious babum, she is the joy in our lives. While she has been known as the Look Alike until now, I think it's time to change her name, since she is her own person. That child of mine will now be known as the Joyful Babe (or JB). She's so wonderful, so precious, so smiley, so fantastic.

So on your first birthday, little babe, I thank you. Thank you for teaching me about three baby grace. Thank you for making my heart swell with each accomplishment. Thank you for being so easy going and lighting up every room you enter. I love your chubby thighs, your eagerness to walk and explore the world. I love that you spend time playing alone, learning where you fit into this little family. I don't expect that you'll be the littlest forever, but I cherish the days that you are.

I love you, Babe, I cherish you, I'm so happy to be your mama. Happy birthday!

It's Lent

2009-02-26T11:43:00.002-05:00

Most years I try to think of something to give up for Lent, and I've never really been serious about it. This year I preliminarily decided to give up that last vestige of refined sugar in my diet. However, that's more about me than God.

So this morning I was in the shower and it hit me, I spend most of my time on/near the computer. This is a bad, bad habit leftover from the days when I had to fit a little work in whenever I could. Most days I don't actually DO anything, just check Facebook and play games and check my email every three minutes. Not cool.

My commitment this Lent is to spend less time online and more time plugged in to God and my family. To accomplish this, I need to create a realistic but tough goal (at least for me), and I think that's one hour per day. That includes blogging, email, goal tracking with the ActiTrainer, etc.

This took 5 minutes, so I'd down to about 15 more for today!

Immigration?

2009-02-23T07:17:00.002-05:00

It stresses me out. I've long held the conviction that this is the United States of America, a country founded on freedom, opportunity, life, for one and for all. But who is "all"? In my relatively conservative community, I see graffiti all the time posted anywhere they can tag saying, "illegals out". Funny enough, they just DID something illegal, should they be out?

Which brings me to what bothers me deeply, the whole sense of deserving. It is so sickly pervasive in our culture. We think we "deserve" a new car. We "deserve" that second piece of cake, we "deserve" to go shopping after a long hard week. What do we really "deserve"?

We deserve death. The Word tells us straight up that the wages of sin is death, and we've all sinned, so that's what we "deserve". The Lord graciously gives us one breath after another, and we don't "deserve" even that! "Deserve". The very word grates on me. Sigh.

But back to the immigrants. I think it's a highly unchristian attitude to think that this place is OURS and if you weren't born here, you don't get to come. I'm talking about Kingdom economy here. In God's economy, the Haves are supposed to share with the Have-nots. I'm not talking about communism, because it's supposed to be a choice, an act of worship to the glory of God. We don't engage in much Philippians 2:3 around here, "Do nothing from selfishness or empty conceit, but with humility of mind regard one another as more important than yourselves."

I'm not throwing stones, I'm as guilty (deserving of death) as anyone else. This morning, though, I was reading in Leviticus 19:33-34, and I think it puts a pretty fine point on the whole issue of dealing with aliens.

" 'When an alien lives with you in your land, do not mistreat him. The alien living with you must be treated as one of your native-born. Love him as yourself, for you were aliens in Egypt. I am the LORD your God.'"

"I am the Lord your God", indeed.

Raindrops on Roses

2009-02-15T20:25:00.002-05:00

My blog friend Michelle posted a seriously cool tutorial on making girls' hair clips. My girls have hair like I had a a child. The Firecracker Princess loves her hair LONG and won't let me trim it. If you have girls, go see what Michelle does, it's adorable!

ElleBee Had to Post This For Me

2009-02-12T15:42:00.003-05:00

But isn't Wordle.net cool?

You Guessed It, More Pictures!

2009-02-12T11:18:00.004-05:00

Here are a couple more pictures of our trip.

On the Segway tour. It was w-a-y more fun than I anticipated!

Three Caballeros Donald in Mexico. No Panchito or Jose, though!

The Seven Deadly Sins

2009-02-11T11:19:00.004-05:00

My friend Beth posted this on her MySpace blog (if that really counts as a blog), and I figured, what the heck. Here's the seven deadly sins survey!

Wrath
Who did you last get angry with?
Linda the cake lady at Grand Floridian private dining. What part of "I don't care how much it costs, that's what I want" is too difficult? At DISNEY WORLD, no less!

What is your weapon of choice?
My words, definitely. A post about this is forthcoming.

Would you hit a member of the opposite sex?
I have children, I'd hit anyone who threatened them in any way.

How about the same sex?
See above.

Who was the last person who got really angry at you?
Probably the Firecracker Princess, she is being a little sassy these days and is reaping the spankings from that behavior.

What is your pet peeve?
Um, wow. If I had to choose one, it would be the mentality that we "deserve" all the good things we have. Entitlement drives me up a wall.

Do you keep grudges, or can you let them go easily?
I'm working on it, but I'm for sure a grudge keeper.

Sloth
What is one thing you're supposed to do daily that you haven't?
Shower. I try, but the kids don't always nap at the same time to give me that opportunity.

What is the latest you've ever woken up?
2 pm, the day after band camp.

Name a person you've been meaning to contact, but haven't?
Molly. She moved to Chicago like a year ago and I still haven't talked with her!

What is the last lame excuse that you made?
Probably not going to group last week because I needed to get ready for the trip It was true, but still, I neglected fellowship for laundry. :D

Have you ever watched an infomercial all the way through?
Yes, many times. You ever been up at 4 am while pregnant? It's infomercials, weird music on MTV, and CNN. Make your choice.

How many times did you hit the snooze button on your alarm clock this morning?
My alarm clock is the babes, we all tend to get up at the same time, so no actual clock!

Gluttony
What is your overpriced yuppie beverage of choice?
I don't drink most coffee house stuff because I don't drink coffee, though the apple cider at Starbucks is nice. Otherwise, it's water all the way.

Are you a meat eater?
Some of the time, once or twice a week.

What is the greatest amount of alcohol you've had in one sitting/outing/event?
Rachael's wedding, I was a little toasted.

Are you comfortable with your drinking and eating habits?
No. Well, my drinking habits are great since it's all water all the time and no caffeine or alcohol. As far as my eating habits, I'd say I'm about 80% there.

Do you enjoy candy and sweets?
More than you know.

Which do you prefer: sweets, salty foods or spicy foods?
All of the above.

Have you ever looked at a small house pet or child and thought, "lunch"?
Um, no. I have thought, "I'm going to spank that kid medium-rare", but that's about it.

Greed
How many credit cards do you own?
I dunno, like seven. We use two sometimes.

If you had a million dollars, what would you do with it?
Tithe first. Pay off the house and the debt, maybe buy a bigger house to hold more children. Pay off my in-laws' house and give my folks some cash. That would use about all of it after taxes!

Would you rather be rich or famous?
Rich I guess, though upper middle class really appeals to me most

Would you accept a boring job if it meant that you would make megabucks?
If it meant someone else had to raise my children, I'd say yes. For a year. We could make that last for a good long while.

Pride
What's one thing that you have done that you're most proud of?
The Princess, the Monster, the Look Alike.

What's one thing you have done that your parents are most proud of?
I don't know that they're proud of anything I've ever done.

What thing would you like to accomplish late in your life?
I'd love to open my own Pilates studio.

Do you get annoyed by coming in second place?
Highly. I'm a smidge competitive.

Have you ever entered a contest of skill, knowing you were of much higher skill than all the other competitors?
No

Have you ever cheated to get a better score?
Yeah. Rachael and I used to cheat on our state capitals tests in grade school.

What did you do today that you're proud of?
Today? Uh, it's 11:30 am. I'll be proud of myself for busting my tail for 2+ hours at the gym later today!

Lust
How many people have you seen naked (not counting movies, family, strippers, locker rooms)?
I guess three (if you count myself)

How many people have seen you naked (not counting physicians, doctors, family, locker rooms, or when you were a young child)?
Same three (again, counting myself).

Have you ever caught yourself staring at the chest/crotch of a person of your chosen sex during a normal conversation?
I have caught myself staring off into "space" which happened to be someone's body, then realized it, blushed, and promptly exited the room, yes.

What is your favorite body part of a person of your gender choice?
I'm a butt girl.

Have you ever been propositioned by a prostitute?
No. But a former prostitute has asked me to take a class she was teaching, so that's a proposition.

Envy
What item of your friend's would you most want to have for your own?
My friend Stef has great appliances (her husband is a chef, what can I say).

Who would you want to go on "Trading Spaces" with?
Yeah, not so sure about that one.

If you could be anyone who existed in the world, who would you be?
I'd probably still be me. But perhaps for the sake of voyeurism I'd spend a day as Celine Dion, since we're like polar opposites.

Have you ever been cheated on?
Not that I know of.

Have you ever wished you had a physical feature different from your own?
Most of them, actually. But that's spiritual rebellion, and I'm trying not to engage in that.

What inborn trait do you see in others that you wish you had for yourself?
Confidence.

We're Back!

2009-02-10T10:50:00.006-05:00

I wanted so badly to tell you all, but I couldn't. The Music Man reads my blog, you see, and I didn't want the surprise spoiled! His birthday was Saturday, and he thought I was taking him to Savannah. Imagine his surprise in the car on the way to Macon when he completed his crossword puzzle and the word scramble (because I'm just that mean) and he found out we were going to Disney World instead!

Here are a few pictures from our trip:

MM with Frontier Donald (his favorcit character and the theme of the trip)

MM with Anastasia, Drizella, and Lady Tremaine. They are so beyond hilarious. I was wearing my Maleficent T-shirt, and Anastasia told me she liked my style. Drizella told me that Maleficent used to babysit them when they were young, but that they didn't really like it because Diablo (her raven) came with. This went on for several minutes, I really should've taken video, it was that funny.

Here's the cake I ordered for him. The situation with the cake was ridiculous, and it was totally imappropriately expensive, but it was gorgeous and tasted great. He was happy, and that's what mattered!

Here's us at Citricos with said expensive-drama cake:

More to come later, Blogger isn't uploading anything right now!

Here I Am

2009-02-01T14:54:00.003-05:00

This post might ramble a bit, so bear with me. Yesterday was Elijah House graduation, and as weary and wary as I was about going, it was really kairos. We had some really good prophetic time, but even before that the facilitator spoke something about each of us. I was last, and that sort of stuff always makes me burn with embarrassment. One of the things Jane mentioned is that I was starting to open up and little and allow people in a little, and how I needed to continue to do this and allow my "deep gifts" into the body of Christ. I received it, and a friend of mine said something to the effect that I deserved that (kindly, of course). And I think he was right, I did need to hear it. However. Yeah.

I'll tell people my stuff. It's not a huge deal to me, though I'm relatively private and won't generally just volunteer that information. If you ask me something, I'll tell you, and I'll tell you the level of detail I think you need to know, even if it's the full monty. But I don't tend to develop new relationships readily, or I do and disclose what I think is too much and then pull away. I've always done it, ever since I can remember. And just today, I realized what that's about.

I'm not afraid of intimacy, per se. I'm more afraid of into-me-see. More specifically, I feel like I'll give what I think you need in the relationship and come to a place where I don't have anything left to offer you. Then I get afraid that you'll start peeking around the rooms of my heart and that you'll find, well, nothing. I'm totally afraid that you'll see that there's nothing to me, nothing of value to contribute to our relationship or the world at large. I don' think I HAVE any gifts to offer the body, so I don't try to engage anyone in anything, just as a protection for my own empty coffers.

As I was having this revelation, I heard this song bubble up in my heart:

Unashamed, by Starfield

I have not much
To offer You
Not near what You deserve
But still I come
Because Your cross
Has placed in me my worth

Oh, Christ my King
Of sympathy
Whose wounds secure my peace
Your grace extends
To call me friend
Your mercy sets me free

And I know I'm weak
I know I'm unworthy
To call upon Your name
But because of grace
Because of Your mercy
I stand here unashamed

I can't explain
This kind of love
I'm humbled and amazed
That You'd come down
From heavens heights
And greet me face to face

Here I am at Your feet
In my brokenness complete

I think I started to quiet myself a couple of years ago. I was always SUCH a chatterbox, would talk your ear off. If I know you well, I still will. If I don't know you well, you probably won't hear me say much at all. I'm ok with that, I'm a take it all in kind of girl these days. Part of that is feeling like people actually KNOW me now, and I don't have to push who I am in your face. Part of it is a balance. It's an Elijah House principle that one person in a relationship typically exhibits opposite traits of the other person, and I notice that even within myself, from years ago on to today.

I'm not sure, but if I had to pick an idol for myself, it would be striving. You wouldn't see it much in terms of outward manifestation, but it's there. I try to remember everything, to get everything right, all hoping for the chance to be loved. By whom, exactly?

Exactly.

If I'm to beat this one, it's going to be alone. People tell me all the time how much they love me, and I just can't receive it (at least most of the time). I am going to spend some time meditating on God's promises and see if I can't make some headway, because this, this isn't much fun.

Pride

2009-01-28T14:41:00.002-05:00

God is restoring me to my proper place within the home. And it's so strange, really, I didn't expect it to be like this.

I have worked continuously since I was sixteen years old, save the eight weeks after the Firecracker Princess was born. I have worked from home since then, and have apparently had some sort of pride about being a "work from home" mom who made her own schedule and still mothered her children. Well.

So God, in His wisdom, decided to remove that pride from me. As of January 1, I no longer worked for The Company Which Must Not Be Named. I saw it coming, and couldn't have been more thrilled, really. I so hated that job, but I felt tied to the paycheck. The Music Man assured me over and over that we were fine without it, but I wouldn't relent. I looked for jobs, I applied for position after position, hearing literally no response. So not like me, since I have a solid work history and good references. Heck, last night at the Disney Store the store manager offered me a job if I wanted one.

Anyhow, so I thought I'd totally languish without a job. God spoke very gently and told me that I felt like I needed to have a job because I didn't trust Him or the Music Man to provide. Ouch.

But you know what I've noticed? There's a LOT to do with three little kids! I thought my house was messy because I'm just lazy and don't care, but since I don't have a job, my house is noticibly cleaner. I make those recipes that have to sit and soak and stew all day. Best of all, I mother my children instead of babysitting them. It's so wonderful, this not having a job. It still stresses me out, but I really, really love being with them, truly WITH them.

Now back to my cleaning... :D

Who Doesn't Love Pearls?

2009-01-26T07:48:00.003-05:00

I've talked about Tara before, but she has a totally amazing giveaway right now. Pearlparadise.com is giving away a piece from their Freshadama line. Personally I'm a fan of the classic pendant with a lavender pearl in white gold, but that's just me. Go see Tara, tell her what you like from the line, and leave her a comment, among other things. She's a cool chick, and this is a cool contest.

Well, go on now. What are you waiting for?

Nothing to see here...

No really...

Moving on...

...

I'm an Ingrid

2009-01-26T07:16:00.002-05:00

Mitzi took a quiz called "Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn?" and, while I wouldn't particularly care to be either of them, I've been up for 4 1/2 hours already and figured I should do SOMETHING today, and this seemed as good as anything.

I'm surprised at just how much like me this is. If you take it, what did you end up? Is it like you?

You are an Ingrid -- "I am unique"
Ingrids have sensitive feelings and are warm and perceptive.

How to Get Along with Me

* * Give me plenty of compliments. They mean a lot to me.
* * Be a supportive friend or partner. Help me to learn to love and value myself.
* * Respect me for my special gifts of intuition and vision.
* * Though I don't always want to be cheered up when I'm feeling melancholy, I sometimes like to have someone lighten me up a little.
* * Don't tell me I'm too sensitive or that I'm overreacting!

What I Like About Being an Ingrid

* * my ability to find meaning in life and to experience feeling at a deep level
* * my ability to establish warm connections with people
* * admiring what is noble, truthful, and beautiful in life
* * my creativity, intuition, and sense of humor
* * being unique and being seen as unique by others
* * having aesthetic sensibilities
* * being able to easily pick up the feelings of people around me

What's Hard About Being an Ingrid

* * experiencing dark moods of emptiness and despair
* * feelings of self-hatred and shame; believing I don't deserve to be loved
* * feeling guilty when I disappoint people
* * feeling hurt or attacked when someone misunderstands me
* * expecting too much from myself and life
* * fearing being abandoned
* * obsessing over resentments
* * longing for what I don't have

Ingrids as Children Often
* * have active imaginations: play creatively alone or organize playmates in original games
* * are very sensitive
* * feel that they don't fit in
* * believe they are missing something that other people have
* * attach themselves to idealized teachers, heroes, artists, etc.
* * become antiauthoritarian or rebellious when criticized or not understood
* * feel lonely or abandoned (perhaps as a result of a death or their parents' divorce)

Ingrids as Parents

* * help their children become who they really are
* * support their childrens' creativity and originality
* * are good at helping their children get in touch with their feelings
* * are sometimes overly critical or overly protective
* * are usually very good with children if not too self-absorbed

Take the quiz here.