When One Door Closes, Another Opens

So my gym is closing. As of Tuesday. I found out Monday night, so I got a week's notice, but you can imagine that along with everything else going on, I took the news hard.

Just a gym, you say? Well, perhaps. But the work I did at that gym changed me. I worked harder than I knew I was capable of. I did things I thought I was too scared to do. I pushed in ways I wasn't sure I could. I left gallons of sweat on that floor, steeled my will. I became closer to who I want to be in a year of consistent work. I showed myself that I was capable of disciplined steps toward my goal.

I made new friends, friends who have become so precious to me. I got out of my comfort zone in relationships, allowed people to teach me about vulnerability and trust. It's been an amazing year, and I know that, as I walk out after my Pilates class next week, I will cry. I will cry because I'll miss the sweat and the work. I will cry because I will miss those people who I have suffered and overcome with. I will cry in gratitude to the One who gave me that place, that growth, that strength.

Good News, Bad News

Don't you love how things do that? One day, you are ecstatic over some wonderful thing that happens, then something stinky happens, and you almost allow it to threaten all your joy.

Well, first the bad news. I lost my job. I've done data collecting and entry since the Firecracker Princess was born. Tuesday, I got a Fed Ex letter that said they were eliminating the position company-wide as of July 31. The good part of that is that the Music Man has marching band starting at the end of July, so we should be ok for several months.

But the good news? We're expecting again! Yep, baby #4 is on his/her way, expected to make the debut late February/early March. We thought we'd actually get to celebrate the Joyful Babe's second birthday before we had another, but it looks like we'll miss it by a week or so. Oh well, we're excited about more babies to love and more to celebrate in our lives.

So while things are a little stressful, it is well. It is well.

I'm Here!

I realize that it's been a few weeks since I've updated. In that time, I spent 30ish hours on a scrapbook for Ransomed Grace from her friends, went to Disney World, and made a pretty big discovery in my personal life. I'll share more about each of those soon.

For now, I'm trying to finish my assignment for RG tomorrow, and it's killer. She had me write a story in the style of Joseph (as in Genesis 36-50) where I'm Joe and my mom is his brothers. We're at page 15, and I'm almost finished. I feel like God told me yesterday that He wouldn't give me the end until tonight, so I'm waiting!

He's finally softening my heart, and guess what? I've cried TWICE in the last week. Woohoo!! This is a good thing!

That's about it for now, back to my homework. I'll write soon!

Song of My Heart

I've always been a somewhat meloncholy person. I experience deep joy, to be sure, but I've always had a natural bent toward depression. Or so I thought.
Last night we didn't have small group, so I went to IHOP. I had an incredibly wrenching time there on Saturday afternoon with my friend Kate, and I wanted to hear more of what the Lord wanted to say to me. I hung out for about an hour and a half (which is not terribly long, given that it takes me anywhere from 45 minutes to 2 hours to get there, one way) and felt like it was time to go. Gathered my stuff, went out to the car, and turned on the radio as usual. Felt impressed to turn it off. Uhm, OK. I try to speak, and literally heard God say, "Just be quiet. No music, no Russian, no talking. Just listen for once".

Yikes. So I listen. It's a l-o-n-g drive home, but especially so when it's silent. However, I felt like the Lord was telling me about my tendency toward depression, and how it wasn't designed to be part of me.

Even though I only listen to Christian music, I tend toward the more contemplative, meloncholy. The be-bop songs like, "Free To Be Me"? "Oh Happy Day"? Notsomuch.

God's been talking to be quite a bit about how who I am is not who I think I am, and this meloncholy streak is part of it. Other people who know me well, who know my heart, see me as enthusiastic. I know, I know, it's totally weird. However, in this process I have to believe that they know more about me than I do, especially since we're all hearing the same great big God.

One song that's really been blowing me away lately is "Oh How He Loves Us", the Kim Walker song I referenced last time. The song is great, but hearing her speak is amazing. Just wait til she gets going, you'll know exactly what I'm talking about here!

Rest and Crowns

I met with Ransomed Grace last night at our church instead of at her house because she's facilitating a class there that would conflict just a bit time wise with our normal meeting time. I was surprised at just how comfortable I was there, in the lobby on sofas, instead of the comfy cocoon of her home. Must be that I just feel safe with her. The work is hard, but it's good. It's really good.

This morning I decided to skip the gym. I know, I can't believe it either. However, my hip flexors are killing me again, and I really can't take myself totally out of the game here. Had we gone, I wouldn't have seen the sweet thing I'm about to relate to you.

The Joyful Babe got ahold of the Firecracker Princess' Sleeping Beauty tiara. She knew what it was, knew where it went, and tried to get it on her little head. She couldn't seem to do it, though. She played with it a few minutes, turned it over and over in her chubby little hands. I could see how beautiful it would look on her, how frustrated she was in her attempts to crown herself. She chewed on it a few minutes, then eventually abandoned to chew on some crayons instead.

How often do I do this? Give up my crown as a princess because I can't affix it myself, because I'm too busy, afraid, tired, or lazy to ask my Daddy to do it for me? How often do I abandon my pursuit as the King's own child to follow something easier? I felt a little tug at my heart watching JB, for I knew how gorgeous my daughter would look in her crown. I knew that, were she to let me put it on her little head, that she would be a vision of lovliness, called into her destiny. Instead she chose to chew on wax, and it doesn't satisfy.

Lord, today I want what You have for me. I want to walk into the destiny You've set before me, leaving absolutely nothing of my inheritance on the table. I want to be Your daughter first, before anything else. I want to identify with the royalty that is Christ, be clothed in His garments of compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience. In Jesus' name. Amen!!

The Most Meandering Post I've Probably Ever Written

Have you heard of a worship leader named Misty Edwards? I was initially VERY cautious about listening to her music because of her friendship with Todd Bentley, who gives me extreme pause (to put it mildly). However, yesterday my friend Kate and I went to IHOP and something amazing happened.

Ransomed Grace asked me to read a ten-page teaching on the jealous heart of God, and I decided to spend my time at IHOP working on it. It prompted me to ask the Lord where I struggled in each area he brought up. I wrote in my notes that the teaching said, "This one characteristic of jealousy alone (that He is jealous over us when we put something else in first place) should show us just how special we are to God". Immediately, within literally 5 seconds, the worship leader changed to a song called "How He Loves Us", a Kim Walker song, which opens with, "He is JEALOUS for me". OK, so God had my attention.

Later, I was working on the question of, "Lord, why did You make me"? As I began to meditate on that, she started to sing, "The one thing I know, I was made for Your love" (the teaching says we are made to be in relationship with Him).

Now I'm REALLY paying attention.

After IHOP and lunch, Kate and I went to get her hair cut and colored. It took almost FOUR HOURS. Seriously. Anyhow, so she gave me her iPhone for me to make friends with (LOVE), and had me listen to some Misty Edwards.

It's called Dove's Eyes, whose lyrics in whole are these:

I don't want to talk about You like You're not in the room
I want to look right at You I want to sing right to You

I believe that You are listening
I believe that You move at the sound of my voice

Give me dove's eyes
Give me undistracted devotion for only You.

Have you ever thought about that before? How we talk about Him like He's not in the room, like He's not EVERYWHERE? I know how I hate being talked about like I'm not in the room, how much worse must that be for the Lord? Sigh.

Right now He's doing some stuff in me, and I feel like I want to rip off my skin. Not literally, of course, as I'm not a self-injurer. So I was asking Him what that feeling means, and he said that my old skin doesn't FIT anymore, and that I feel like I have to get out of it. Then I realized just how much all of this is going to hurt, more than I've prepared myself for. I've been begging Him to give me back the full weight of my emotions since my affect has been somewhat hollow, but in that moment, I asked Him to close my heart off just a little, so I could keep on, you know, breathing. It helped me see just how double-minded I can be, even when I haven't realized it.

Off for a quick neighborhood run before a shower and church. :)

Just Another Brick in the Wall

Do you have a wall? I have lots of them, and they seem to be boxing me in these days. You know, a brick wall. The thing that if you're running hard and fast enough toward will make you bounce when you hit the ground.

I know some of the ways God works. One of those ways is that your walls all come together at the corners. They grow so tall you can't scale them, so thick you can't shatter them, so dense that no one can hear you cry for help. Well, almost no one. There comes a time when the Lord needs you to turn to Him so deeply that He'll let your own stuff hurt you so you'll look up, press in, move on. I am in this place.

I have built some amazing walls, if I do say so myself. Each brick is crafted with care, inscribed with its particular hurt or wrong. I mortared them myself too, with amazing precision. They're solid, those bricks of mine. But now I'm in a place where they're ready to come down. I hear people calling to me to fellowship with them, and I can't get out. I hear the sounds of the life I'm called to have faint in the distance, and I want to run there. Except I can't because of these darn walls.

The only way out of this mess is to let God break down the walls, break down my heart, melt the hard places. It's not fun. It's not glamorous, it's not even really all that fascinating to anyone who isn't in it with me (though it seems that RG has endless amounts of self to invest into this process, which I find bewildering as really, I'm just not that interesting). But it's good. It's sweet to feel God's pleasure as I walk through it. It's sweet to have friends affirm small changes as they see them. It's sweet to know that my relationship with the Lord is growing deeper roots.

"For who despises the day of small things?" Zechariah 4:10

And a friend's favorite verse,
"Return to your fortress, O prisoners of hope; even now I announce that I will restore twice as much to you." Zechariah 9:12

I am, you are, we are forever and always PRISONERS OF HOPE!

Oh crap

That's pretty much all I can say about my life right now. I'm hanging on.

I've been dealing with some sports injuries and, upon receiving some counsel from fitness professionals, decided to cut my workouts by 50%. It about killed me. Not only did it about kill be, but I've gained SIX POUNDS in THREE WEEKS. My clothes don't fit. I look radically different. I've lost strength and endurance.

Clearly this is not going to work for me. I will lose two hours of workouts this week for more important reasons (Music Man has a concert and am visiting a grieving friend), but otherwise there are no excuses. I'm approaching my 1-year anniversary of beginning my weight loss journey on June 2, and I was hoping to be at my final goal by then. That's not going to happen, especially as that's the day we return from WDW, but I'd like to be able to say I achieved SOMETHING in this 12 months.

Next, I'm not pregnant. We aren't trying, and for the first 24 hours that I thought I might be, I freaked out. Then God RADICALLY changed my heart. I was so sure I was pregnant because of that 180 degree turnaround that the MM and I picked out names. Seriously. And now I'm not. Part of me is glad, part of me is heartbroken. All of my has learned that thinking I have any control over the whole process is just foolish and requires repentance. It would've been hard either way.

Finally, Ransomed Grace has me doing work that feels impossible. Truly impossible. She's had me write statements on what I believe about myself (good and bad), as well as things I'm afraid of, things I doubt. We discussed them, and then worked together on a few truth statements to stand against them. The ones we did together were hard enough, but to do them on my own seems ludicrous. Needless to say, I'm putting a call in to her later today, but I just don't like where I am right now. Not in the least.

All that to say, I'm being quiet. I'm trying to process and trying to cry and just dealing with things as they come. Crap, this feels hard.

Does 30 Mean Old?

здравствулте!

I turn 30in about 24 weeks, and have felt lately that I am too old to learn anything overly complicated anymore. Silly me. So far in my 29th year I have ALMOST finished my fitness certification, gotten a new tattoo, and decided to take up a third language. I minored in Spanish in college. I actually tested into graduate (500) level courses as an 18 year old, so I have a gift for at least THAT language (though I'm terribly rusty now). :)

So what lanugage did I choose? Well. It's interesting to want to learn something new and not have a real need to choose a particular one. When I thought about possibilities, I considered Portuguese because there are so many Brazilian people in my church. Decided that was too close to Spanish.

Wasn't really interested in anything else, and then I thought about Ransomed Grace and how she just spent a decade in Russia. I realized that there were all these little pockets of that nation all over my heart, starting almost 20 years ago when I wrote a ten-page paper for Spectrum on Rasputin. My therapist in high school adopted her son from Russia and had taken some basic Russian; I remember her writing the characters for "telephone" on her yellow legal pad. When I managed ready-to-wear at Dillard's, many of my employees and one of my colleagues were Russian. Of course now I have Ransomed Grace in my life, and I haven't asked her outright, but I don't think she'd mind terribly to be my conversation partner when I get to that point.

Honestly, she'll probably get a laugh out of my attempts. So for now,
до свидания!

Birthday "Cake"

So Ransomed Grace's birthday is this weekend, and the Firecracker Princess caught me off guard Tuesday morning. We were sitting at the table having breakfast, and she asked me who the gift bag sitting next to me was for. I told her it was for RG, because her birthday was coming up. Her eyes lit up and she said, "Oh mommy, what kind of cake are you going to make for her?". Um, gulp. Weeeeellll, I hadn't really thought about it. Firstly, I've only known RG for a month. Secondly, she is a FANTASTIC cook, and it's sort of intimidating to cook for someone whose every dish gets highest praise. Thirdly, well, I just dropped the ball. My daughter didn't, though, and I'm so grateful.

After the FP asked what she'd like, I told her we'd send her an email and ask. RG responded pretty quickly, and we ran to the store to get the things to make a dark chocolate New York style cheesecake. We came home and got our aprons on (though the CCM doesn't have one yet, so he just made a CRAZY mess of his shirt). I got everything out grabbed the camera, and we documented our journey to make a little book for RG.

Here are the pictures, and the text of the book we made:

Kids and Cake:
How it all comes together

Made with love by the Firecracker Princess
and the Chubby Cheeked Monster
(and we guess mom helped, too)
Special thanks to the Joyful Babe for sleeping during the making of this project.

Hi Ransomed Grace! We're so excited to make your birthday cheesecake; my brother couldn't keep his hands off of the chocolate. We wanted to show you how we did it!


Here's mom in her apron. Didn't I do a good job taking her picture? She says it's the only time you'll probably ever see her without makeup.



CCM's laughing because he knows a) mom still has her eyebrows drawn on and
b) there will be batter for obedient children to enjoy. Yay!



Momma and I in our aprons. Mine is red because it's my favorite color (ElleBee made it for me, along with my chef hat). CCM wanted to take pictures, but I wanted to get started on the cheesecake!



Here's our recipe. Mom had to read it, but we guess she put in the right stuff.


She makes us line up all the ingredients before we start, something about trying to make a carrot cake without carrots once. Silly mom.



A new pan, mom says that thing on the side is a "hinge". We picked green because it's the CCM's favorite color.


We washed our hands (with soap). Momma said you might not like the taste of 2- and 4-year-old fingers in your cake. Or 29-year-old fingers; she washed her hands too!


Mom pressed the crust into the pan while we ate the extra crumbs. Cookies with melted butter, yum!


We use only the finest ingredients, and our QA department is second to none. This cream cheese passes muster. Does yours, CCM?


Hmm, I think I'll need to try another sample. Yes, yes, I think this will do quite nicely. You may proceed.


We let mom put it into the oven because it's hot in there. We wanted to grab some spoons and dig in, but she said it's a surprise for you.



What's up with these dirty dishes? It's a good thing I'm a kid and can't wash them. Daddy will clean them right up when he gets home. Baking is a family affair in our household. Yay daddy!


Can I give you a birthday hug? No? Aww, man!



What about a birthday kiss, then? My sister already went to get cleaned up, but I'm happy to fill in for her!


OK, here it is with the toppping on. We hope that you enjoyed seeing us bake your cake, and we hope that it's tasty. Thanks for being so wonderful to our mom, she loves you a lot. Happy birthday!


We had so much fun with this little project, and even I have to admit that the cheesecake was tasty (RG and I cut into it RIGHT away when I got there yesterday). We love you, Ransomed Grace!

Shame

Sigh. I told you all a little while ago that Ransomed Grace asked me to do a piece on the things for which I bear shame. While I'll spare you most of them, there was one that was really hard for me, and these four things all seem to flow into one another. I can't remember a time when I felt anything other than fat, ugly, unwanted, and unloveable. I know, I know. But really, I know I'm not the only one who feels that way, it's just hard to say aloud.

Anyhow, that's totally not the point. God has sent the hounds of heaven after me on this one. I told a few people that are precious to me about feeling this way (Ransomed Grace, Prisoner of Hope, Ginger, and my Elijah House small group, and of course the Music Man), and He will not let it go. Just today I had four people stop me and tell me how lovely/radiant/beautiful I looked. OK, weird. It's like some big conspiracy of grace. But what I realized is this:

Most of the time, upon hearing God's truth, I find myself saying, "Yes, but..." instead of "Yes, Lord".

That is all.

Broken

I was talking with Prisoner of Hope the other night, and she said something so quietly profound to me. I told her about how I've been begging God to just break me down, that my heart has no other cry these days. He has been so amazing in this process so far, exposing me to yet protecting me from so much. Anyhow, so PH said, "
When we ask to be broken, it's then that we want God's heart and His face more than we want His hand". So true. I just want His face, His heart, His presence.

From a Mountain to Ebenezer Stones

God's faithfulness never ceases to amaze me, never.

Ransomed Grace asked me to work on an assignment a couple of weeks ago meditating on Deut. 1:6, then asking God what mountain I need to move on from.

He spoke very clearly when He told me that it's a mountain of hatred. He told me to take His hand, and that soon enough I'd forget that terrifying first step from the summit. He told me what I was afraid of; being left alone, the fear of man and of circumstance.

I heard Him and wanted to believe, but told Him right back that I was afraid that if I tore down this self-made mountain, I'd have nothing to remind me of my childhood. That it was my life's work. That I'd lose my identity, and that I didn't know how to be successful at anything else.

Well. So, being God and all, He tells me that He wants to tear that puppy down and resurrect Ebenezer stones in its place. I didn't really understand how, since I didn't have any particular memories of Him in my life before I was a believer, but today I got my first one.

I went to Catholic high school, and had a four-day, three-night retreat my senior year called Kairos (sacred time). I found some of the materials we had from it, and each talk included "take aways" and one or two songs. Looking through most of the songs, they were standard Top 40 fare, but there were two that struck me. One is "On My Knees", a Nicole C . Mullen song that I just adore. The second is "Love Song for a Savior", which I posted a YouTube link to on this very blog some months ago.

Prisoner of Hope prophesied over me the other night, and the verses below seemed so very appropriate. Gotta love a three-strand cord. I know, and more than I know, I believe, that God conspires to do good to and for those who love Him.

Thank you, Lord. For your goodness, your faithfulness to me. I'm so thankful that not only are You for me now, You were for me then. You're so faithful that you'd give me a stone before I did my part to tear down my mountain. Now I feel safe enough to start, knowing that You will replace my broken fortress with a foundation of sapphires. Thank You.


Isaiah 54:11-12 (The Message)
Afflicted city, storm-battered, unpitied:
I'm about to rebuild you with stones of turquoise,
Lay your foundations with sapphires,
construct your towers with rubies,
Your gates with jewels,
and all your walls with precious stones.

The Power of the Tongue, The Power of the Cross

Prov 18:21 says, "The power of death and life is in the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit".

Lately I've been discovering how true this is. My nasty words to my precious friend killed something, something in her and something in our relationship. However, our reconciliation brought new life to our relationship and started to heal some long-wounded places in both our hearts, thanks be to God.

After she and I had reconciled, a non-believer said something really unkind about me in the reconciled friend's presence. I am so, so thankful that the Lord had convicted me about my words with a believing friend before this happened, because I would have straight up eviscerated this girl (we'll call her Tracy). So did I screw up with Tracy like I did RF (reconciled friend)? Happy to say that I didn't. Instead, I paused and threw up a desperate prayer, finding out later that RF was praying in the corner because she heard what Tracy said to me. You gotta love that faithfulness on her part. I responded kindly for once, and asked Tracy's forgiveness for inciting her to anger.

The cross was there to bring RF and I back together. It would not have been there for Tracy and I, as opposed as she is to the things of God. I'm still totally sick that I messed up so badly with RF, but it's so incredible to watch God make beauty of my mess. And if He can do that in these small things, who am I to believe that He won't do it in the big hurts of my life? The things I don't like to think about, much less talk about.

God is starting to deal with my heart toward people in my family, and it is hard. I don't like this work. I'm thankful that I have Jesus with skin on in Ransomed Grace to walk me though it, because otherwise I wouldn't be bold enough to start. Y'all, I'm scared. I'm afraid of this pain, of the shame, of the possible rejection on all sides. But He who began this good work in me will bring it to completion, in that I trust. I just wish it were faster! :)

Constancy

So there's this quality of God that is so wonderful to me, that "He is" (hence the tattoo). He's constant. He can't help but be who He is because, well, that's His nature. He is good, so good. So holy, so amazing, so wonderful (thank you, Ransomed Grace, for this homework. It's speaking for me right now). :)

But me? I'm not so constant. In fact, the sails of my little emotional ship have been all over the place today. Ransomed Grace and I have actually touched on this a bit, this whole being emotion-led thing. Allow me to illustrate.

Sunday, I was talking to someone after church. This person loves me. We haven't known each other for a super long time, but we're in relationship, and it's good. She and I chatted for a few minutes, she was hanging out with one of my babes for a bit, just general goodness. Right? I'm working on a project and needed some feedback, so I asked said friend about it. She got back to me, and I was glad to see that, but the response felt a bit brusque. Well thought out, but not generally as warm a response as I'd get from her. So what did I allow to happen to my emotional state?

Well, it's not as though I was angry, and I wasn't sad. But I did start to think about what happened both Sunday and yesterday and wonder if there was something that I said or did that made her feel like I was being pushy, or if maybe I had misread something and she only SORTA loved me, like it would change with whichever way the wind blew.

Tonight as I was getting ready to have my quiet time, I reread the message I got from her earlier. And thereit was, right at the end. The little affirmation that I had been missing, the one that told me I was still loved. It was before my eyes all the time, I just didn't see it for whatever reason.

Besides being humbled and realizing just how much I had let this affect my little heart all afternoon, I figured this out. She had been loving me all day. Nothing happened between yesterday and today that changed her heart toward me. While I was being blown about by the winds, she was constant.

It's a good lesson, yes? A lesson about building my house upon the Rock. A lesson about the character of God, and therefore the character of people who love God and seek to be transformed into the image of Christ.

Whose love don't I trust, then? That of the Great I Am? Hers? Mine? All of the above? I'll let you know once I figure it out.

New Furniture!

We have needed (desperately) a new sofa and chair for some time. The ones we had were 7-15 years old (handed down in practically new condition from in-laws). Well, with three kids and a slightly-lazy-about-food-in-the-living-room mom, they got bad fast. Plus, our living room is a weird shape, and a full-sized sofa is just too big for the room. So we donated the sofa, moved the chair into the Princess' room until I can recover it for her, and went to World Market. Do you have them around you? I love that place. They had a 25% off coupon for furniture, so I was able to get a $700 sleeper loveseat for $450 (it was already $100 off). We figured a full-size sleeper was a good option since we've run out of bedrooms for guests!


We also bought this chair:



We'd like to get a small chair to add a bit more seating, since the chaise and the sofa are all for the main seating. We're also thinking of ditching the coffee table and getting some padded ottomans for add'l seating when needed. Any thoughts on this? I really love a touch of leather in a living room.


I'm excited, we were able to take it all home in my in-laws Jeep and avoid the whole $200 delivery thing and get it set up immediately. Love!

Forgiven and Free

This song is an amazing reminder of the thing I tend to forget most. In doing all this hard emotional work, I often forget my joy, forget my inheritance as His child. And frankly, it's more than sad, it's sinful. Rather than getting all morose about my own sinfulness yet AGAIN, let's just take a moment to recognize how GOOD He is. Forgiven and Loved might help (and sorry for the graphic picture, don't know why it starts since that's near the end of the song). Happy Friday!

Break Me Down

Sensitive. Have you ever been called the "sensitive" one? In our culture, it has such a negative connotation. I remember being told that I was too sensitive from early on. And the truth of the matter was that I was, and still am. I have a really precious friend, Prisoner of Hope, who is this way too and, because I don't want her to connote her heart with something so negative, I've taken to calling her "tender". And I think this is really a better descriptor.

These days, my heart is feeling really tender, too. I wake up exhausted emotionally, spiritually, and physically. The cry of my heart has been the lyrics of the Tenth Avenue North song, "Break Me Down". For so many years I've hardened and protected this heart from the barrage of heartache in the world. Now, years of building tidal waves seem to be crashing over me, and I'm just trying to hang on. I know that after a while things will get easier, especially as I allow the balm of Gilead to pour into these cracked places. But for now, it hurts. I want to be the sort of woman that runs to the Lord when things get hard, but this feels like it's a long process of hurt and surrender for me.

Tonight I meet with Ransomed Grace, and while I'm excited, I'm anticipating hard work and perhaps tears. I don't cry in front of people much, and especially virtual strangers (though this stranger already loves me, I remind myself). Without further ado, here's my anthem

Break Me Down by Tenth Avenue North

Yeah, I feel You fallin'
Like the rain against my skin
And I hear You calling
Your voice like thunder in my head
But now I am stallin'
Cuz I'm afraid to let you in
Yeah, come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours, You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me

(Won't You break me down, breaking me down)

I feel it inside me
I feel You underneath my skin
These walls could not hide me
They could not keep You from coming in
So now here You find me
Right back to where I began
Oh, come break me down with Your mercy
Come break me down again

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours. You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Won't You break me down

(break me down, oh oh, come and break me down)

Cuz I need your strength to feel this weak
I need your touch to fill my need
I need your strong hands to carry me
Take me, break me, set me free

Cuz I need your strength to feel this weak
I need your touch to fill my need
I need your strong hands to carry me
Take me, bring me to my knees

I'm Yours tonight
I'm Yours. You can break me down
Break through these walls I hide behind
I'm Yours tonight
Come and break me down
Come and break me down
Come and break me down
Yeah, won't You break me down

Over and Underneath

Do you own this Tenth Avenue North album? Because if you don't, you need to buy it, like pronto.

These guys seem to have a real anointing, an ability to speak for the Lord both gently and profoundly. They speak words that are a balm to a ragged spirit.

Last week was deeply painful for me. First there was the whole issue with my friend, then I met with Ransomed Grace and got some really difficult assignments. One question she asked has me twisting inside, but I know that I know that I know that God told me to do whatever she asked of me. The assignment was to write about experiences for which I bear shame (and a different question of the things for which I have regret, but that's much easier). It's really, really hard to read aloud the things for which I bear shame, but I'm sure I'll do it on Wednesday. My friend John's sister is dying and is desperately far from the Lord, and it breaks my heart to watch him ache for her. She literally may not make it through the day. And of course yesterday was Easter, the holiday which I think is most painful. Not only does it bring to bear just how much God loves us, but also just how profoundly I have failed Him.

But how could I be depressed when I hear this song, I ask you? It's such a sweet reminder of what He believes of me!

Africa, Russia, and the Mouse

When the Music Man and I learned how much our tax refund would be this year, we hemmed and hawed over what to do. First we decided to go to Disney World again. Then we decided to not go and get the house painted. Then we decided NOT to and rescheduled the WDW trip. THEN I felt like the money wasn't for us and that we were to obey whatever the Lord told us to do with it. The SAME DAY that I told the Music Man I felt that way, he took the kids to small group (I skipped because I was reconciling with my friend. As an aside, my friend John says, that in reconciliation we have to be willing to go anywhere, at any time, to meet anyone for any reason for the cause of reconciliation. I hated to miss group, but reconciling was more important, and God really blessed that time).

Anyhow, so we have a friend in our small group who is taking a 12-week mission trip to Africa, and had half her money raised. He felt burdened to give her the rest from our tax refund and called to ask what I thought. I said if he felt that's what we needed to do, to go for it. It was bittersweet. I was overjoyed to be used for Kingdom purposes, but I really wanted to take the kids to Disney World. Selfish much?

Anyhow, so we surrendered the dream and canceled the trip. I felt like we were supposed to give another chunk of money to some missionaries who are setting up house in this country again after some time. They're not well known by us, but precious nonetheless (you know how God likes to do that, right? Knit hearts together in big crazy tangles you could never unravel even if you tried? That's what He's done here).

And do you know what God did? He let us find a way to take the trip. We shortened the days, we switched things around, but we're still going. And do you know what the MM said to me? He said that he felt like the money was used in a much better way now that we got to bless some people with it, and he's thrilled that the Lord would bless us with a trip. How wonderful all around, I'm just so thankful.

Happy Easter!